I'm not really sure what I'm going to accomplish in writing this post, however some things have been nagging at me for quite some time and I feel I need to get them out. So here it goes.
Family has always been something that is very important to me. It was only within the last few years that I realized how very important it all is. My immidiate family (aka my brother Pat and my parents) have of course had our ups and downs but all in all, we're strangely close. I think it freaks people out sometimes. My parents were the type that always kept the door open for our friends, which were always coming over and staying the night and hanging out. In fact, I can remember several times, coming home and finding a couple of friends of mine hanging out with my Dad in the living room.
I hear that this is not the norm.
One thing my brother and I didn't have regular access to was grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. In the early years, we saw all of these people 2, maybe 3 times a year. My parents would always load us up in the car and make the 6 hour + drive it took to get us there, only to spend a few days. It was a very rare occasion when they would load themselves up and make the trek our way. The older we got, the less we saw these people. I noticed in the rare incidents that I saw my cousins, that like me, they were growing up too. And I knew absolutely nothing about their lives.
I wanted to.
I have these silly visions of being the cool, older cousin. Someone that any one of them could come to to talk with or vent to when they have no one else to turn to. I see patterns in the small tid bits of information I get via facebook or myspace, that I had to live and learn from when I was their age. I want to reach out, even SCREAM out and say, don't do it! Or I understand what you're going through. But I feel llike I have no right. They know just as little about me as I do about them.
What gives me the right?
Even when I do try to connect, it almost seems unwelcome. It seems as though in all the years that have gone by, it's too late to make that reconnection.
OK. So that's not completely true. I do have one cousin who I feel I have been able to reconnect to on some level and that's something I hope continues to grow. I treasure the fact that she seems just as willing to be a part of my life as I am to be a part of hers. And that goes for her parents too (my aunt and uncle.) They have all shown the same willingness to get together more.
But others. Not so much. I find myself getting frustrated at such comments as "when are you coming to see us again?" or "the phone works both ways." You're damn right it does. And I've been trying! Where are you? What gives you the right to try and make me feel guilty for not being in touch when I feel I've gone above and beyond in the past couple of years to make you a part of my life and try to be a part of yours?
Pat and I have already lost both sets of grandparents and one set of great grandparents. And the only things I ever knew about them come from the stories that I hear on occasion. That's it. I really knew nothing about any of them and now it's too late.
I don't want it to be "too late" again. But has too much happened? Has too much time passed to try to make it work? Are we all just a little too stubborn to let go of the bitterness and awkwardness that has formed between us?
I'll admit, I still have quite a bit of angst towards a second cousin of mine who I absolutely adored while I was growing up. She didn't come to our wedding because she couldn't find a pet sitter for her dog....really? I mean I love animals and all but SERIOUSLY? How can you, only a year before, tell my boyfriend to "take care of me because I am one of your most favorite people in the world", and then turn around and not make it to one of the most important days in my life? How can you justify that? When I heard you tell him that, it made me feel so special.
Now they're just words. And they mean nothing.
Not to mention that your father sat there and moped throughout the ENTIRE reception. Every picture I see, he's scowling at the camera. Why did he even bother to come?
And that doesn't even begin to describe my anger with you guys since. It's not even worth mentioning. I have no idea where to go from here. I have no idea if it would even be worth it.
All I know is that when Daddy Bo died, both of you were there for me in ways no one else could be. So there's that.
But is it enough?
All I know is that I'm tired. I'm tired of trying with no result. I don't know what else to do. Is it a lost cause? Do any of you even feel the same way? I thought family was supposed to stick together. Should I just give up? Would you even care? Growing up, I was so envious of my friends who had all of their family so close by. And even now, they stay in touch. I have one friend who travels regularly to see her grandmother. They're so close.
I never really had that.
I'm not really sure what the next step here is....I'm not really sure what else I can do. And sadly, I'm not sure if in the end, it would even be worth it to continue trying. Not until I can, at least, get a little something back. You're right, "it does work both ways". I can't be the only one trying. I need to see something on your end too.
The ball's in your court.
Now, all I can do is wait.
