Please Don't Go Girl

My brother Pat and I kinda had a love/hate relationship going on when we were younger. It ranged from him randomly throwing tennis balls at my face to give me bloody noses and me getting fed up with it so I hit over the head with a cabbage patch kid, to if any of his friends made fun of me or upset me in any way, he would make it known very quickly that that wasn't allowed.

One of my fondest memories is when for my 9th birthday, he surprised me and lip-synced "Please Don't Go Girl" by New Kids on the Block. I can't think of very many 12 year old boys who would want to do that for his little sister on her birthday. This memory was brought up once again at his wedding when he surprised me again and had it played so we could dance to it. (Incest as it may seem. It was really sweet and meant a lot:).



There were many days growing up that we had no friends over to play, we only had each other. So we would spend these days building forts out of couch cushions and running around the yard playing Dr. Who. (My dad and the influences he brought upon us:).

At Christmas time, it was tradition for us to set up a little "movie theater" in the living room (which consisted of my dolls and stuffed animals sitting in little chairs) and watch Christmas shows and movies for hours and hours on end.

He came to all of my dance recitals and I went to all of his baseball games. And though it was never said out loud that we actually wanted to do these things, I truly believe that was the case. It wasn't as though our parents dragged us to these events. It was just common knowledge that we would go and that it wouldn't be so bad.



We genuinely cared for each other, even at such young ages. There is a running gag in my family about how I broke his arm...which I guess if you think about it, it's technically true because I was the cause. However, hear me out. We were taking turns jumping off of his bed and it was his turn. He deliberately told me not to jump out in his way because he was going to make a big jump! Me being stubborn and not always willing to do what I was told, of course jumped out right when he was jumping. He tried to maneuver in a way to avoid hitting me, therefore landing on my foot (adorned with purple jellies:) and landing on his arm in the wrong way. It's not like I did it on purpose. I was just being stubborn (as usual...a trend that I have still yet to outgrow.)



It was all of these things that planted the core of our relationship. And I have always considered myself lucky to have a big brother that I actually get along with. The older we got, the more our relationship started to change. We were no longer just brother and sister, but friends. This was such a huge deal to me. I could talk to him about anything and he would confide in me as well. In fact, I was one of the only people he would confide in.

One of my favorite memories during this time was when we were both in college (him at NC State and me at UNC-Wilmington). I drove down to meet him for dinner and we had to wait for like 2 hours before we were served. So we sat out in the parking lot and talked, actually talked about everything. I remember going home that weekend and feeling so relieved that I had such a wonderful friend in my brother.

For whatever reason, things began to turn not too long after that. We were both going through some rough times and never really sat down with each other to discuss what was really going on in our lives. We drifted apart. Things were said on both ends that were mean and hurtful. And in thinking about this time in our lives, it still hurts me tremendously. I knew I would always have him as a brother, but my greatest fear was that I would forever lose him as a friend. We were both, not only growing up, but growing apart. And we were having a really hard time trying to meet each other in the middle.

I personally was lost and in too deep. Not sure if I was able to pull myself back out of the decisions I had made, not that I ever regret these decisions because I'm a firm believer that it is part of what got me where I am today. I don't like it. And it's not fair, especially to everyone else who was involved. But I can't change it. As much as I wish I could when it comes to everyone else's feelings, that's the only regret I have.

There is no need to dig back into these memories to make my point which is this and only this. We managed to fight through it. And though it took some time to get there, we made it and we are closer today than we have ever been. We have each other back and that's what really matters. No. We can't change the past. The only thing we can do is accept it. And I think it's safe to say that we're both ok with doing that.

I love you Patch and I'm so very proud to have you in my life, not because I have to have you there. But because I want you there and because you have become one of my best friends again. Thank you. (Hopefully this thanks needs no explanation.)