10) Barack Obama...she loves that man.
9) Tales of Avonlea. When we were living in Pat and Jenn's spare bedroom, I would watch this show before going to sleep and she would sit at the end of my bed, little white paws curled up underneath her, and watch the screen religiously.
8) Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. ("There's something afoot at the Circle K")
7) Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. (What? She has an eclectic taste for classic movies. And Bill and Ted is definitely a classic for my generation.)
6) Where the Heart Is. During the last scene, right before they finally kiss, Lorelai came out of no where, sat directly in front of the TV screen, and stretched her paw up to touch the couple's faces. Classic. Movie watching. Moment.
5) The Closer. Actually. This is just her theme song. She grooves to the beat every time she hears it, strutting across the floor like she's Michael Jackson. I kid you not.
4) The DVD my friend Traci gave her that has the choice of chirping birds, butterflies or dragonflies floating across the screen. (She thinks they're real and I haven't the heart to tell her the truth...)
3) The mouse arrow on the computer screen, therefore making it nearly impossible for me to do anything on the computer.
2) Gilmore Girls. Need you ask why? They are her namesake.
1) The "Lorelai Show". Nope. Not Gilmore Girls again. This is the "show" of Lorelai staring lovingly at her own reflection when the TV is indeed off. Her favorite show for sure.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Why the World Doesn't Care When It's Your Birthday...
1) The people you work with forget that it's your birthday until later on in the day when they claim to "make it up to you". Forget it. You screwed up. The damage is done.
2) One of your favorite epileptic patients comes in, having bloody diarrhea and the Dr. in charge thinks that she's in liver failure and not looking for a positive outcome.
3) The first thing your manager says to you is "did you change the x-ray chemicals?", reminding you of a few days ago when you got pulled into the office to be told of all the things you have been doing wrong...and making you bite your tongue when all you really want to say is, "Did you even look at the big sheet on the x-ray door that has my initials on it for the past week, therefore declaring that , yes! I checked the x-ray chemicals! Get off my back!"
4)The person you're closing with (the only other person closing that day) calls out because she has a headache...really? Take some tylonol for crying out loud!
5) Your supervisor goes home early, leaving only you and one other person to cover for the rest of the day. Happy. F***ing. Birthday. To. Me.
6) A big, mean dog still manages to beat you up and drag you across the floor....on sedatives! (How is that even possible?)
7) The dog having surgery the next day decides to bust his lip open on the cage door at 5:59 when you are scheduled to leave at 6:00, therefore making the cage look like he massacred a small animal.
8) Getting stopped by every stop-light on the way home, when all you want to do is snuggle with your fiance' and forget about everything that has just happened in your day. Your birthday.
Dramatic? Yes. But it's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.
2) One of your favorite epileptic patients comes in, having bloody diarrhea and the Dr. in charge thinks that she's in liver failure and not looking for a positive outcome.
3) The first thing your manager says to you is "did you change the x-ray chemicals?", reminding you of a few days ago when you got pulled into the office to be told of all the things you have been doing wrong...and making you bite your tongue when all you really want to say is, "Did you even look at the big sheet on the x-ray door that has my initials on it for the past week, therefore declaring that , yes! I checked the x-ray chemicals! Get off my back!"
4)The person you're closing with (the only other person closing that day) calls out because she has a headache...really? Take some tylonol for crying out loud!
5) Your supervisor goes home early, leaving only you and one other person to cover for the rest of the day. Happy. F***ing. Birthday. To. Me.
6) A big, mean dog still manages to beat you up and drag you across the floor....on sedatives! (How is that even possible?)
7) The dog having surgery the next day decides to bust his lip open on the cage door at 5:59 when you are scheduled to leave at 6:00, therefore making the cage look like he massacred a small animal.
8) Getting stopped by every stop-light on the way home, when all you want to do is snuggle with your fiance' and forget about everything that has just happened in your day. Your birthday.
Dramatic? Yes. But it's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.
Someone always has had a day that was worse...
I was thinking about my week on my way home from work last night. My job has not been going well for the past month or so and each little thing just keeps building up more and more, making me feel like I'm about to explode.
Yesterday was bad because everyone around me seemed to be feeling the exact same way, so the lack of positive energy was making it worse. I felt like I couldn't breathe...you know, trapped and you can't get out. Being a vet tech is what I've been focusing on for the past 6 years. I'm leaning closer and closer to the idea of "I don't want to do this with the rest of my life."
I'm tired of not being recognized for the things I do accomplish . The only recognition is when I screw something up (which just seems to be a lot lately.) I'm a hard and dedicated worker and that's not me being conceited...it's just the truth. I know I have the personality that I don't gossip or complain or talk about people behind their backs...therefore everyone comes to me and I have to hear about it anyway (there's only one person there who I don't mind when she talks to me about things going on...and you know who you are:). But everyone else? I DON"T CARE!!!!! Keep it to yourself! Leave the drama at home, you're only making it worse for everyone, including yourselves so SHUT-UP already!
All this being said, I was wallowing about everything all at once when I thought about something. Apparently, there were 2 pretty major wrecks that happened yesterday afternoon on the road that I work on. One was a head on collision and the other one involved 2 pedestrians (14 year old girls) that got hit by a van...we know that one of the girls didn't make it. And here I was, pitying myself and my minuscule issues when someone else had just lost a daughter....somehow it doesn't come close to measuring up with my worries. It made me realize that no matter how hard a day I claim to have...someone else had it worse.
I'm a very lucky human being. I have the best family anyone could ask for. My parents have stood by me through thick and thin...even when they thought I was crazy. But I always had the feeling that they knew I would be OK. My brother is not only my brother, but one of my best friends and though we've had our issues in the past, I've always known he is there for me no matter what. My sister-in law is the sister I never had and I am so grateful to have her in my life. The man I'm about to marry (7 weeks from today!:) is my soul mate, best friend, shoulder to cry on, you name it...that's what he is. He's that "something missing" over all of those years of failed relationships. He's "it" whatever that means and I've never been happier. And not only am I marrying the most loving, wonderful, funny, handsome, sweetest guy in the whole wide world, I'm inheriting a wonderful family as well.....
So really. What do I have to complain about?
I'm still young. I still have goals and dreams. And my plan is to accomplish or at least try to accomplish all of them. I think the feeling I've been feeling for so long is that I have given up in the whole career department....and that is not what I do. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not a quitter. So I'm not going to quit. I'm going to keep my head up high and focus on the good things in my life...because even if there isn't positive energy flowing around me where I spend the majority of my time (work), I know I'm going to come home to it and be around it where it matters the most. And knowing that is what has gotten me this far.
So bring it on life!
I'm ready for the next challenge you have in store for me.
You haven't lost me quite yet.
Yesterday was bad because everyone around me seemed to be feeling the exact same way, so the lack of positive energy was making it worse. I felt like I couldn't breathe...you know, trapped and you can't get out. Being a vet tech is what I've been focusing on for the past 6 years. I'm leaning closer and closer to the idea of "I don't want to do this with the rest of my life."
I'm tired of not being recognized for the things I do accomplish . The only recognition is when I screw something up (which just seems to be a lot lately.) I'm a hard and dedicated worker and that's not me being conceited...it's just the truth. I know I have the personality that I don't gossip or complain or talk about people behind their backs...therefore everyone comes to me and I have to hear about it anyway (there's only one person there who I don't mind when she talks to me about things going on...and you know who you are:). But everyone else? I DON"T CARE!!!!! Keep it to yourself! Leave the drama at home, you're only making it worse for everyone, including yourselves so SHUT-UP already!
All this being said, I was wallowing about everything all at once when I thought about something. Apparently, there were 2 pretty major wrecks that happened yesterday afternoon on the road that I work on. One was a head on collision and the other one involved 2 pedestrians (14 year old girls) that got hit by a van...we know that one of the girls didn't make it. And here I was, pitying myself and my minuscule issues when someone else had just lost a daughter....somehow it doesn't come close to measuring up with my worries. It made me realize that no matter how hard a day I claim to have...someone else had it worse.
I'm a very lucky human being. I have the best family anyone could ask for. My parents have stood by me through thick and thin...even when they thought I was crazy. But I always had the feeling that they knew I would be OK. My brother is not only my brother, but one of my best friends and though we've had our issues in the past, I've always known he is there for me no matter what. My sister-in law is the sister I never had and I am so grateful to have her in my life. The man I'm about to marry (7 weeks from today!:) is my soul mate, best friend, shoulder to cry on, you name it...that's what he is. He's that "something missing" over all of those years of failed relationships. He's "it" whatever that means and I've never been happier. And not only am I marrying the most loving, wonderful, funny, handsome, sweetest guy in the whole wide world, I'm inheriting a wonderful family as well.....
So really. What do I have to complain about?
I'm still young. I still have goals and dreams. And my plan is to accomplish or at least try to accomplish all of them. I think the feeling I've been feeling for so long is that I have given up in the whole career department....and that is not what I do. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not a quitter. So I'm not going to quit. I'm going to keep my head up high and focus on the good things in my life...because even if there isn't positive energy flowing around me where I spend the majority of my time (work), I know I'm going to come home to it and be around it where it matters the most. And knowing that is what has gotten me this far.
So bring it on life!
I'm ready for the next challenge you have in store for me.
You haven't lost me quite yet.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Constants
I have a handful.
I'm not very good at staying stagnant. I like change and to move things around, whether it be in furniture or entire cities or states. I don't like feeling like I'm in a cage or as though I'm trapped. I've been like this since I was a little girl. My parents would often wake up and find that my bedroom door was closed and hear me bumping and moving things around in my room. They always knew to give me my space during such times so that i could work out my frustration on each piece of furniture finding a new "home" within my small bedroom.
In past relationships, I found myself getting antsy and dis-interested and no matter how much or how often I would try to mix things up a bit, I was never fully happy.
Because in reality, you shouldn't have to try so hard on the wrong things.
For example, liking someone.
In meeting Andrew, I learned very quickly that I not only love him, but I like him. Weird right? I mean, who knew that this was the key to what had been missing in all of those other failed relationships? It was so easy for me to fall in love and yet half the time (let's be honest...most of the time) I despised having to spend quality time with any one of those guys. They drove me crazy. Absolutely batty I tell you.
So there I was, jumping from one relationship to another in hopes of finding that something to feel the void/hole that had formed in my heart. I found myself often in search of a song on the radio that would make me cry in order to get out all of the emotion I had been holding back from everyone...including myself.
Because who cries if they're happy right?
Or rather, who seeks to cry when she feels she has no tears left?
That would be me, once upon a time.
Don't get me wrong, they weren't all assholes. I mean, some of them , their worst "crime" was only being lazy or loving me too much or trying too hard or not enough. (Then again, some were assholes...it just took me awhile to realize it...ahem 3 years.....sad? Yes. I know.)
Suddenly, it's as if this baggage has been lifted off of my shoulders. I would be lying if I said I felt no pain left from the other live(s) I have lived, but I at least feel at peace with it all now.
I have accepted that i can't change a person for the better, even though, I never realized until much later that this was what I had been trying to do. It doesn't matter how much I saw the fact that these people had something more in them than what they were offering. What mattered is that they didn't see this....and that's why we failed. You can love someone so unconditionally and yet, if he doesn't love himself, you find yourself in it alone.
And who wants that?
Now i find myself hearing those same songs that I once seeked out to hear when in need of an emotional outburst and you know what?
Nothing.
I have cried my tears for those songs and have none left to dedicate to them. The only thing I feel when hearing them now is a sadness for anyone who feels the way I once did.
Lost and alone with no where to go.
So back to my constants; the people in my life who have always mattered the most. This is what is worth holding onto.
My family, my small group of friends, and my BEST friend Andrew, who I feel has always somehow been there for me just waiting to find me at the exact right moment in our lives when we needed it the most. When all hope was almost lost. When the last twinkle of an almost burnt out candle was about to be blown out. He restored all in me that I felt had been lost.
And I'm so very happy to say that in almost 3 years time, I find myself still becoming antsy and wanting to move things around, but wanting him to be a part of it. Because he is now such a huge part of me.
The constant that will always be.
I'm not very good at staying stagnant. I like change and to move things around, whether it be in furniture or entire cities or states. I don't like feeling like I'm in a cage or as though I'm trapped. I've been like this since I was a little girl. My parents would often wake up and find that my bedroom door was closed and hear me bumping and moving things around in my room. They always knew to give me my space during such times so that i could work out my frustration on each piece of furniture finding a new "home" within my small bedroom.
In past relationships, I found myself getting antsy and dis-interested and no matter how much or how often I would try to mix things up a bit, I was never fully happy.
Because in reality, you shouldn't have to try so hard on the wrong things.
For example, liking someone.
In meeting Andrew, I learned very quickly that I not only love him, but I like him. Weird right? I mean, who knew that this was the key to what had been missing in all of those other failed relationships? It was so easy for me to fall in love and yet half the time (let's be honest...most of the time) I despised having to spend quality time with any one of those guys. They drove me crazy. Absolutely batty I tell you.
So there I was, jumping from one relationship to another in hopes of finding that something to feel the void/hole that had formed in my heart. I found myself often in search of a song on the radio that would make me cry in order to get out all of the emotion I had been holding back from everyone...including myself.
Because who cries if they're happy right?
Or rather, who seeks to cry when she feels she has no tears left?
That would be me, once upon a time.
Don't get me wrong, they weren't all assholes. I mean, some of them , their worst "crime" was only being lazy or loving me too much or trying too hard or not enough. (Then again, some were assholes...it just took me awhile to realize it...ahem 3 years.....sad? Yes. I know.)
Suddenly, it's as if this baggage has been lifted off of my shoulders. I would be lying if I said I felt no pain left from the other live(s) I have lived, but I at least feel at peace with it all now.
I have accepted that i can't change a person for the better, even though, I never realized until much later that this was what I had been trying to do. It doesn't matter how much I saw the fact that these people had something more in them than what they were offering. What mattered is that they didn't see this....and that's why we failed. You can love someone so unconditionally and yet, if he doesn't love himself, you find yourself in it alone.
And who wants that?
Now i find myself hearing those same songs that I once seeked out to hear when in need of an emotional outburst and you know what?
Nothing.
I have cried my tears for those songs and have none left to dedicate to them. The only thing I feel when hearing them now is a sadness for anyone who feels the way I once did.
Lost and alone with no where to go.
So back to my constants; the people in my life who have always mattered the most. This is what is worth holding onto.
My family, my small group of friends, and my BEST friend Andrew, who I feel has always somehow been there for me just waiting to find me at the exact right moment in our lives when we needed it the most. When all hope was almost lost. When the last twinkle of an almost burnt out candle was about to be blown out. He restored all in me that I felt had been lost.
And I'm so very happy to say that in almost 3 years time, I find myself still becoming antsy and wanting to move things around, but wanting him to be a part of it. Because he is now such a huge part of me.
The constant that will always be.
Why do I care?
Something struck me the other day and I realized that this something has been with me my entire life. What is it you ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's the mere fact that I always have to feel acceptance from people. It doesn't matter who it is. I can't stand it if I feel like someone doesn't like me.
Not too strange you say. Everyone wants to be liked right? Well here's the strange twist to this feeling I have. It doesn't matter if i don't like the person or not. In fact, it's almost as if I crave for such people to like me more than I do the people I don't have a problem with.
Can. You. Say. Therapy?
But seriously. When I look back at most of the friendships I had growing up, I find myself , not feeling nostalgic, but almost as though I was cheated out of something. There was always so much drama and I always found myself getting stuck in the middle of everything. And the worst part of all of this is, that I also found myself in situations when I could have stuck up for someone, usually someone I actually cared about, and didn't because I wanted to be included and feel important.
I'm not proud of those moments.
So after thinking on this and letting it all out, I have found that I still crave such acceptance. I get along with most anyone, but there are a handful of people that I just. can't . stand. No matter how many outs or chances I give them to redeem themselves in my mind. And yet, I would be so upset if I found out that said people indeed don't like me very much either.
What. Is. That?
Does that make sense to anyone? I mean. Why should I care what they say or think about me? Why should I take the time to be offended? I doubt that they would do the same for me.
I guess what I'm getting at is that this subject makes me so sad and angry at the same time. I can't tell you how often I tried to feel accepted by someone, claiming for so long, for years, that she was my best friend. But when I look back at pictures or old videos, all I feel is heartache and ridicule and the hurt of not feeling good enough all over again. Even sadder? I made the effort to find this "friend" on facebook so that we could reconnect.
I know deep down that it doesn't matter how many times I write her or try to keep in touch with her, with no reply I might add. It doesn't matter how much I put myself out there to make an effort to re-kindle what I thought we once had. None of it matters because the only thing i am really trying to rekindle is the emotion I felt towards this person when I was 14 years old. I really did feel that we were best friends and that she treated me nicely, because at the time, that was the way I thought I was supposed to be treated, Though it wasn't nice at all. I'm permananlty scared by the arguments we had. by all of the effort it took me to try and be more like her, to feel accepted and loved by her.
but in reality, I never was.
So why is it that I am arguing with the little girl inside my head over whether or not I should keep trying? Why can't I just accept defeat and come to terms that I am lucky enough and very fortunate in the friends I have managed to make and keep over the years? Why does the haunting image of a little, teenage me keep popping up standing alone on the sidelines in a group full of people?
Why do I even care?
Not too strange you say. Everyone wants to be liked right? Well here's the strange twist to this feeling I have. It doesn't matter if i don't like the person or not. In fact, it's almost as if I crave for such people to like me more than I do the people I don't have a problem with.
Can. You. Say. Therapy?
But seriously. When I look back at most of the friendships I had growing up, I find myself , not feeling nostalgic, but almost as though I was cheated out of something. There was always so much drama and I always found myself getting stuck in the middle of everything. And the worst part of all of this is, that I also found myself in situations when I could have stuck up for someone, usually someone I actually cared about, and didn't because I wanted to be included and feel important.
I'm not proud of those moments.
So after thinking on this and letting it all out, I have found that I still crave such acceptance. I get along with most anyone, but there are a handful of people that I just. can't . stand. No matter how many outs or chances I give them to redeem themselves in my mind. And yet, I would be so upset if I found out that said people indeed don't like me very much either.
What. Is. That?
Does that make sense to anyone? I mean. Why should I care what they say or think about me? Why should I take the time to be offended? I doubt that they would do the same for me.
I guess what I'm getting at is that this subject makes me so sad and angry at the same time. I can't tell you how often I tried to feel accepted by someone, claiming for so long, for years, that she was my best friend. But when I look back at pictures or old videos, all I feel is heartache and ridicule and the hurt of not feeling good enough all over again. Even sadder? I made the effort to find this "friend" on facebook so that we could reconnect.
I know deep down that it doesn't matter how many times I write her or try to keep in touch with her, with no reply I might add. It doesn't matter how much I put myself out there to make an effort to re-kindle what I thought we once had. None of it matters because the only thing i am really trying to rekindle is the emotion I felt towards this person when I was 14 years old. I really did feel that we were best friends and that she treated me nicely, because at the time, that was the way I thought I was supposed to be treated, Though it wasn't nice at all. I'm permananlty scared by the arguments we had. by all of the effort it took me to try and be more like her, to feel accepted and loved by her.
but in reality, I never was.
So why is it that I am arguing with the little girl inside my head over whether or not I should keep trying? Why can't I just accept defeat and come to terms that I am lucky enough and very fortunate in the friends I have managed to make and keep over the years? Why does the haunting image of a little, teenage me keep popping up standing alone on the sidelines in a group full of people?
Why do I even care?
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