Constants

I have a handful.
I'm not very good at staying stagnant. I like change and to move things around, whether it be in furniture or entire cities or states. I don't like feeling like I'm in a cage or as though I'm trapped. I've been like this since I was a little girl. My parents would often wake up and find that my bedroom door was closed and hear me bumping and moving things around in my room. They always knew to give me my space during such times so that i could work out my frustration on each piece of furniture finding a new "home" within my small bedroom.
In past relationships, I found myself getting antsy and dis-interested and no matter how much or how often I would try to mix things up a bit, I was never fully happy.
Because in reality, you shouldn't have to try so hard on the wrong things.
For example, liking someone.
In meeting Andrew, I learned very quickly that I not only love him, but I like him. Weird right? I mean, who knew that this was the key to what had been missing in all of those other failed relationships? It was so easy for me to fall in love and yet half the time (let's be honest...most of the time) I despised having to spend quality time with any one of those guys. They drove me crazy. Absolutely batty I tell you.
So there I was, jumping from one relationship to another in hopes of finding that something to feel the void/hole that had formed in my heart. I found myself often in search of a song on the radio that would make me cry in order to get out all of the emotion I had been holding back from everyone...including myself.
Because who cries if they're happy right?
Or rather, who seeks to cry when she feels she has no tears left?
That would be me, once upon a time.
Don't get me wrong, they weren't all assholes. I mean, some of them , their worst "crime" was only being lazy or loving me too much or trying too hard or not enough. (Then again, some were assholes...it just took me awhile to realize it...ahem 3 years.....sad? Yes. I know.)
Suddenly, it's as if this baggage has been lifted off of my shoulders. I would be lying if I said I felt no pain left from the other live(s) I have lived, but I at least feel at peace with it all now.
I have accepted that i can't change a person for the better, even though, I never realized until much later that this was what I had been trying to do. It doesn't matter how much I saw the fact that these people had something more in them than what they were offering. What mattered is that they didn't see this....and that's why we failed. You can love someone so unconditionally and yet, if he doesn't love himself, you find yourself in it alone.
And who wants that?
Now i find myself hearing those same songs that I once seeked out to hear when in need of an emotional outburst and you know what?
Nothing.
I have cried my tears for those songs and have none left to dedicate to them. The only thing I feel when hearing them now is a sadness for anyone who feels the way I once did.
Lost and alone with no where to go.
So back to my constants; the people in my life who have always mattered the most. This is what is worth holding onto.
My family, my small group of friends, and my BEST friend Andrew, who I feel has always somehow been there for me just waiting to find me at the exact right moment in our lives when we needed it the most. When all hope was almost lost. When the last twinkle of an almost burnt out candle was about to be blown out. He restored all in me that I felt had been lost.
And I'm so very happy to say that in almost 3 years time, I find myself still becoming antsy and wanting to move things around, but wanting him to be a part of it. Because he is now such a huge part of me.
The constant that will always be.