Something struck me the other day and I realized that this something has been with me my entire life. What is it you ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's the mere fact that I always have to feel acceptance from people. It doesn't matter who it is. I can't stand it if I feel like someone doesn't like me.
Not too strange you say. Everyone wants to be liked right? Well here's the strange twist to this feeling I have. It doesn't matter if i don't like the person or not. In fact, it's almost as if I crave for such people to like me more than I do the people I don't have a problem with.
Can. You. Say. Therapy?
But seriously. When I look back at most of the friendships I had growing up, I find myself , not feeling nostalgic, but almost as though I was cheated out of something. There was always so much drama and I always found myself getting stuck in the middle of everything. And the worst part of all of this is, that I also found myself in situations when I could have stuck up for someone, usually someone I actually cared about, and didn't because I wanted to be included and feel important.
I'm not proud of those moments.
So after thinking on this and letting it all out, I have found that I still crave such acceptance. I get along with most anyone, but there are a handful of people that I just. can't . stand. No matter how many outs or chances I give them to redeem themselves in my mind. And yet, I would be so upset if I found out that said people indeed don't like me very much either.
What. Is. That?
Does that make sense to anyone? I mean. Why should I care what they say or think about me? Why should I take the time to be offended? I doubt that they would do the same for me.
I guess what I'm getting at is that this subject makes me so sad and angry at the same time. I can't tell you how often I tried to feel accepted by someone, claiming for so long, for years, that she was my best friend. But when I look back at pictures or old videos, all I feel is heartache and ridicule and the hurt of not feeling good enough all over again. Even sadder? I made the effort to find this "friend" on facebook so that we could reconnect.
I know deep down that it doesn't matter how many times I write her or try to keep in touch with her, with no reply I might add. It doesn't matter how much I put myself out there to make an effort to re-kindle what I thought we once had. None of it matters because the only thing i am really trying to rekindle is the emotion I felt towards this person when I was 14 years old. I really did feel that we were best friends and that she treated me nicely, because at the time, that was the way I thought I was supposed to be treated, Though it wasn't nice at all. I'm permananlty scared by the arguments we had. by all of the effort it took me to try and be more like her, to feel accepted and loved by her.
but in reality, I never was.
So why is it that I am arguing with the little girl inside my head over whether or not I should keep trying? Why can't I just accept defeat and come to terms that I am lucky enough and very fortunate in the friends I have managed to make and keep over the years? Why does the haunting image of a little, teenage me keep popping up standing alone on the sidelines in a group full of people?
Why do I even care?
No comments:
Post a Comment