What Do You Hear In These Sounds?

Lately I've felt a bit off kilter. I can't really explain it but it's like I'm in a room and yet, I'm not. I find myself stuck in the middle of conversations that I have no idea what they're about. I find it hard to focus on the world going on around me and yet I also feel envious of people though I truly know nothing of their lives. I live vicariously through other peoples adventures and pictures that I view on facebook. I feel like everyone is going somewhere but me. I feel stagnant.

For some reason, I view this as a bad thing, when I know deep down it is not. Being stable is something we all strive for, both mentally and physically. I have reached this goal and still, i am lacking.

It is not that I'm ungrateful. I truly have no right to complain or argue this point. I have a loving family. I am engaged to the most wonderful man in this world. I have a beautiful home and a steady job. I have six crazy pets with the best personalities any pet owner could ask for.

So what's missing?

Sometimes i feel empty; almost zombie-like. I run through the motions of every day life with each day that greets me. I get up, take a shower, walk the dog, check my email, get ready for work, go to work, come home, fix dinner, watch t.v and go to bed. "Routine" is an understatement in the world I have let myself become a part of.

Routine is not something I want to welcome.

I lack the motivation to reach out for those long lost dreams that i have always dreamed. Small things like taking dancing lessons or a yoga class. Joining the roller derby. Marching in a protest. Going on a music festival tour. Traveling to India.

The dream I am most challenged by is that of becoming a writer. I don't wish for the fame or fortune. The only wish I hold is to be recognized and heard. It's not that I feel my thoughts, random as they may be, are worth such recognition. It's only that this has been my biggest dream for as long as I can remember. And all I am doing is continuing to put it off day by day. Through making my life so routine and not making the time to really commit.

My mind voices excuse after excuse. I'm too tired. I have no inspiration. It's been a long day. I have no time.

The only excuse my mind seems to avoid is that I'm scared.

Writing is the one inanimate thing in life I do not want to risk failing. I have held onto it for too long. If I failed....I'm not sure where I could go from there.

But the only way to risk probable failure is to try. And the only way to succeed is to try. No one ever said it would be easy.

I just need to get off my lazy ass and do it.....