Now I remember why it took me so long to go back to the dentist. It had been several years (I won't reveal exactly how many because it makes me feel gross...but it was too long...I'll put it that way.)
But now I finally have insurance and the kind I have actually assigns me a dentist in my area and I can always change it if for some reason I'm not satisfied with the service. But let's be honest here. Who in their right mind would be satisfied with someone constantly poking and prodding in your mouth for a solid hour? So here is what I remember of my near death experience. (Note: I say remember because I'm 99.9% positive that there was a time that I might have blacked out...)
So being the somewhat OCD person that I am. I printed the directions on how to get to the dentist office before hand. In doing so, I was informed that my dentist office is only about 5 minutes away from my house. I had an entire hour before I had to be there and I was already getting antsy. So I decided to go by the bank and target really quickly before my appointment.
I'm not really sure what I was thinking because every time I hit Target's parking lot, it's like my I.Q. starts decreasing in numbers. I walk around like a zombie looking at all of the pretty, shiny stuff all neatly aligned on each shelve. And suddenly several minutes have gone by and more things are in my cart than were on my list to begin with. I look at my watch and it's already 10:45. My appointment is at 11.
Crap! I've got to go!!! But I should still be fine, I think to myself. Because it takes 5 minutes from my house to get there and I'm already closer than if I were leaving from there. I should actually still make it a few minutes early right?
Wrong...
I forgot to take into account one minor thing. I never ever ever do well with directions. It' doesn't matter how simple they are. I always manage to screw up at least once. In this particular instance...I missed the damn turn not once, not twice but yes...3 times. But let me explain.
So I'm driving down Glenwood, a road I am actually becoming more and more familiar with the longer I live here and I'm watching very carefully all the numbers go by. I'm looking for 9104. I watch the 8000's go by. The numbers are going up so I know I'm going the right direction. (I have to pat myself on the back for this one, because there have been occasions of which I was going the complete opposite direction than I should have been and didn't realize it until I was 45 minute's out and had to turn back around.)Me + directions = very very stupid. I blame my father for this......
So anyway. I reach the 9000's. I'm getting close and it's only 10:52! Yea me! Wait...did that just say 9200? but I'm looking for 9104...how did I miss...? Oh well, maybe it was on the other side of the street and I didn't see it? So I go down a bit further until I find a place where I can turn around. I turn around and realize that the office must be on the side of the street I was originally looking for it on because the numbers on this side are odd numbers. Ok. I just missed it. I make a U-turn and am going the right direction once again. It's 10:56. Ok, I still have time... the numbers 9106 catch my attention.
Damnit! How did I miss it again? Where the hell is this place? Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn't go...how did I end up back on the interstate...did I even start out on the interstate? It's 11:02.
I get back on the road I need to be on and I make several turns into shopping centers to see if I've somehow missed this place because it was hidden within one of them. I haven't. So I turn back onto Glenwood. And just when I was about to turn around for a forth time, give up and go home, I spotted it! I turned my steering wheel sharply, squealed my tires and somehow landed in a parking space in front of the building 9104. I look at the clock. It's 11:08. Oh well. At least I made it right?
I look around me and notice that the building is a bit dingy. There are some construction workers hanging around outside and they are staring at me. I don't make eye contact and get out of my car. It's then that I notice the sign hanging above the door of what must be a bunch of offices within one building. The sign says "Asian Mart".
This confuses me because I am not Asian. Ideas begin to run through my head that I am not supposed to be here. So I go back and sit in my car. The construction workers are still eying me. What's up with that? I sit there for a couple more minutes. Now I'm really late and it would just be too rude to show up now right? I can always reschedule.
But I know myself too well. I knew that if I didn't get out of the car right then and there, it would take me another several months to finally get up the nerve to schedule another appointment.
Suck it in Mary. Ok. I'm going in.
I walk into the building and make several turns until I reach my destination. When I walk in, several eyes behind the front desk look up at me. I apologize for being late and the lady hands me some forms to fill out and I give her my insurance card. I sit down, expecting to wait, because you always have to wait at the dentist right? Then I hear it.
A lady's voice says "Mary Short?"
I look up cautiously and know....
It is time.
She walks me back to a small room where the dreaded chair awaits me. I don't sit in it until she gestures for me too. To break the silence, I apologize once again for being late.
She asks me about a tooth I had specified on one of the forms. And I explain to her how it gets hot and cold sometimes with certain foods or if I'm drinking something cold. I tell her it feels like a cavity. She takes a look and pokes it with her probe-y thingie.
"Does that hurt?"
She is unaware of this but I am literally screaming in my head.
"A little." I whisper.
She then informs me that it's not a cavity but only some enamel loss. And then she starts to take x-rays of my mouth. This procedure has changed a little in the past _ years. I don't remember this scary plastic thing that they place in your mouth along with the x-ray film. All I can think to myself is, "Is this thing sterile? And how many mouths has she put this same contraption in?"
She starts jamming the film in my mouth, exclaiming "Oh you have a tiny mouth!" Giggle giggle giggle. Jam JAm JAM!!! I could kill her. All I have to do is reach behind me and grab her little probe and Jam JAm JAM!!!
I was getting used to the x-rays until the last two when she points the scary laser beam tube in front of my face. Am I supposed to close my eyes I think to myself. Why does she get to go behind the wall?
Ok. X-rays are done. Phew. Now she's attaching a bib to my shirt and sitting down beside me instruments in hand. She pokes my sore tooth again...
I swear to God, I will rip that thing out of your hands so fast.....
Ok, she's moved on. Things are starting to go a bit more smoothly until she reaches my bottom incisors...
"Ow Ow Ow!!!!" I scream in my head.
"You've got a bit of tarter build up down here. This might be a little sore."
"No shit. Really?"
Pick pick pick. All I can think of is fingernails scraping down a chalkboard.Pick pick pick. "You are being such a trooper." Giggle Giggle.
Really....?
I'm trying to go to my happy place so I'm tuning into the music on the radio and then. Oh no. Dear God no. Are you kidding me? Nope. This experience is destined to be a nightmare. Screaming at me from the speakers is none other than, you guessed it,
The Rascall Flatts.....
Shoot me. Just shoot me now.
Pick Pick Pick. Ok seriously? I thought we were done with that tooth and established the fact that it hurts!!
Oh yea! She's getting out the polish! That means I'm almost done right?
Slowest. Polisher. Ever.
And as I'm sitting there, I'm trying to remember if it's ok to swallow. I mean. What happens if I swallow a big chunk of bacteria and it seeps down into my internal organs and I die. Right here. In this dreaded dentist chair? Oh God. I'm going to die! I'll never see my friends and family again. I'll never get to march down the isle in my pretty wedding dress. Oh God....
I"M GOING TO DIE LISTENING TO RASCALL FLATTS!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I think this might have been where I blacked out. (Not really, but I mine as well have. ) I don't remember much more after this. But suddenly, miss goody two shoes was done and she was calling in the dentist to double check behind her.
And then I hear his voice. Wait. Is that? Oh for the love of everything Holy. It sounds just like Jon Lovitz.
(For those of you who need a footnote here...I can't stand Jon Lovitz. Who thinks he's funny? I mean really....).
"Jon" asks me how I'm doing and I stare blankly. The hygienist has to speak up for me and tell him about my tooth. He opens my mouth again to take a look and...
Ow Ow Ow!!! Poke poke poke. "Yeah. That's just some enamel loss. It's not a cavity."
Ok, hadn't we already established that?
He takes a look at the rest of my mouth and exclaims that my gums might be a little sore for the next couple of days.
You think?
And then he says the blessed words I'd been waiting for. "Ok. You're all set!"
Oh happy day! I could have hugged him and danced out of the office singing "The Hills Are Alive!" I was so happy. I hadn't died. My life was not over. I made it I made it!!! Yea me! It wasn't so bad really. I mean, it was a little uncomfortable but nothing too horrific. Why was I so scared?
I'm literally singing in my head once I hit the parking lot and grab my keys to get back in my car and go home. But there is something in my hand that I hadn't noticed before.
Somehow between the time "Jon" gave me the ok to go and the time I got back to my car, I had done what the little card in my hand told me I knew couldn't be true. I wouldn't right? I mean. Why would I do that to myself? How did they get me to agree....? Oh no! What am I going to do?
You guessed it...
I have another dentist appointment in 6 months.....
