Lists

One could say I'm a total freak when it comes to making lists. I make lists for EVERYTHING! In fact, here is a list of some of the things I make lists for:

• Groceries
• Target
• Things we hope to own one day
• Chores around the house
• Errands to run
• Songs I would like to someday download onto my ipod
• Christmas Wants
• Amazon.com.....(thanks to the evil bastards who just keep recommending stuff)
• Blog ideas

Needless to say, the list goes on.....hardee har har.
And before you ask, the answer is yes. I am one of those people who will write down an item on a list, even if I've already finished doing said item, just so that i can mark it off.
What?
It gives me a sense of accomplishment. PLUS! It makes me feel all gooey and happy inside.
Hey. I never said I was normal....Oh! that's an idea. I could make a list of things that make me not so normal. For example:

• When I eat bite sized crackers or small candy, I have to have an even number (1 piece for each side of my mouth), otherwise I just feel unbalanced.
• Before I leave the house every morning, I have to find all six pets and kiss them goodbye. And if I walk  by one I've already said goodbye to and pet him/her again, I have to start all over so as not to make anyone jealous.
• When watching a t.v show on DVD, I often count the minutes in my head to gauge how much longer I have before the show is over. Not because I'm bored....but because my brain has to be doing something.
• Speaking of t.v, I'm obsessed over the percentage of stuff we have taped on the DVR. I like to keep it low. Heaven forbid it go above 40....at this point, my head starts to spin.
• I always have a fear that I have left something on inside the house that will make it catch fire, trap the pets inside and burn everything to the ground. I can't tell you how many times I have been late somewhere because I had to turn around to make sure I hadn't left the stove on...when I hadn't even turned in on at all that day.
• One would think I would put everything I need before I leave to go somewhere in the same place. But alas, I don't. And I am constantly running around the house, trying to get everything together before I leave. Andrew gets a kick out of this one because I always leave before him and he always gets out of bed to wave goodbye. He's learned that he has a few minutes to spare when I rush upstairs to tell him I'm leaving NOW and yet, I'm still not ready once he makes it downstairs to kiss me goodbye. But I like to tell myself that this is one of the many reasons why he loves me.
• I like Adam Lambert. There. I said it. Happy?

I also make lists of lists I need to make. See above the first list I wrote out, if you don't believe me.
Lists are just an every day part of my life. I can't imagine what I would be like if I didn't make them. It would drive me absolutely batty. I wouldn't know what to do next. Even if I don't get everything done on a list, it still comforts me that it's there, awaiting the blessed day that it will get scratched out once it's all finished.
It's the small things in life that make me happy, and more importantly...... keep me sane.
Though the thought comes to mind, that I am anything but, after re-reading this blog.
Oh well....
I. LOVE. LISTS!

Going Through the Motions

I used to want to save the world.
I can remember being 10 years old and writing poems about the troops over in Desert Storm. I've always had a "hippie heart" so to speak and I've always wanted everyone to be at peace. Somewhere or some time along my way, I seem to have lost that connection. That will to do unto others as you wish them to do unto you, or however the saying goes. But what happened?
It's not as though I don't still treat people with the respect I would want to be treated with. I still say "please" and "thank you"...and I am known to pick up random trash on the street or in the park when I'm walking the dog. But that's as far as I let it go these days. I don't make any extra effort to lend a helping hand.
I remember one time in elementary school, one of my classmates' house burned down. I was so very sad for her and I wanted to do something to make it all better. As a class, we collectively got her new clothes and shoes....and I remember asking my Mom if it would be OK if we also got her a doll. I couldn't imagine having lost all of my prized possessions. I have always been a collector of sorts, not so much for the "having" of things, but the memory behind them. For instance, I still have most of my stuffed animals that I've collected over the years as I continued to grow older. And if you were to ask me when and where I got any one of them, I could tell you. This little girl had just lost all of that. I wanted to fix it.
It's safe to say that I have always been a "fixer". There was another time when my family and I were on vacation and we all got into an enormous fight. It was horrible and all I wanted was the yelling to stop. So I came up with the idea of "going back to bed" and pretending that we were all waking up and starting a brand new day. It worked for a little while, but if I remember correctly, there was still some fighting that followed. But I didn't have the mentality then that it takes to need to talk things out to make it better. And even then...sometimes that doesn't even work.
All of my past relationships (with the exception of one or two...including my wonderful husband:) have been guys who I thought I could help. I wanted so badly to "fix" them that I never even realized (until much much later) that if a person doesn't want to change...there is nothing anyone else can do about it...no matter how much you love him. I would get so caught up in their pain, that I didn't even recognize the pain that it was causing me...and the hole that was being burned into my own heart. It's healing now...but I'm not sure if it will ever completely go away.
And that's OK. I learned from these lessons...even if I made the same mistake more than once. My whole life, I heard how you can't expect to make the same mistakes over and over again, expecting a different result. And to any outsider...or in some cases, even an insider....it would have appeared that that was exactly what I was doing. But I never looked at it that way...I just continued to hope to get a different result because I wanted to succeed. I don't take failure very lightly and I'm not one to just give up. But I finally had to choose my battles and except the fact that certain ones, I would never win.
But maybe I wasn't supposed to?
I mean I wouldn't be where I am now without the zig-zagged path I took. And I'm proud of how much I have accomplished. But now I find myself getting back to basics and wanting to gain back what I managed to lose during the time I let myself get lost in everyone else. I'm tired of feeling jaded and held back by my past experiences. I am still capable of making a difference, some kind of mark on this World...no matter how messed up it seems to be.
I often hear myself complaining about how there is never enough time, never enough money, never enough this or that. But all we have in this life is TIME. And we have to make the best out of it. I need to wake up. Stop being a zombie going through the motions and dig down deep into the heart of it....whatever "it" is.
I still do want to save the world. And this scares me. I get so caught up and involved in the things I believe in and if I fail (again)....then what?
I'm only one person. But I still have a voice. A voice, that even if only one person listens to, will scream as loud as she can just to help that one person. That would be something.
It may not be the whole world....but I guess it's a start.

Untold Stories

I just finished reading one of the most endearing novels I have EVER read. Twenties Girl by Sophie Kinsella is a tale about a somewhat lost 20-something old girl named Lara Lington who gets enlightened by none other than the ghost of her recently deceased great aunt Sadie. Sadie appears as her 23 year old self and she is in search of a necklace she remembers wearing when she was the happiest in her life.
So the quest begins  for Lara to find said necklace so that she can get rid of this obnoxious great aunt, who enjoys meddling in her life by screaming loudly at random people, making them do crazy things without them knowing why. The longer it takes, the more Lara finds out about Sadie and all of the untold stories that her family never knew. They become friends.
This is only a brief synopsis and I'm really not doing it any justice, but one scene in the story particularly reached out to me.  It's when Lara takes a box of old Fred Astaire and Ginger Roger's movies to the nursing home in which Sadie passed away in. Her hopes in doing this are to possibly bring a smile to some of the faces who perhaps remember the first time they went to see these movies. As the nurse pops the tape in, Lara stands back and watches the faces of these people transform. Recognition hits them and a smile spreads across the face of an older man, sitting in a wheel chair in the corner. As Lara continues to watch, it's almost like they all transform into their 20 year old selves and it hits her. They are in old bodies, but they relive the happiest times of their lives day in and day out...and no one even knows or notices. They all have their own "Sadie" stories to tell.
This got me thinking, we ALL have our "Sadie stories". There is so much about my families' lives that I don't know about. Friends too. I look back and can see my great grandmother cooking us her famous macaroni and cheese while my great granddaddy sits in his ratty chair, drinking coffee out of a saucer plate. I remember the old picture of his and his brother in the army hanging on the opposite wall.  And I can see so clearly the old glass coca cola bottles hanging out on the back porch in numbers. But this is all I knew. They were once my age. They lived through some of the most amazing history in the world. We read it in our history books in school, about the Great depression and World War 1 and all the wars that followed...but they LIVED it. They are a part of that history and so much more.
The same goes for my grandparents. Their lives before I came along are such a mystery to me. I remember hearing bits and pieces while growing up, but there is so much more I want to know. We take advantage of what we have when we still have it and the chance to learn more about it. But once these people are gone, their stories go with them. This perhaps explains my somewhat morbid obsession with cemeteries. There is so much history that never makes the fine print of the books we read in school.
So here is my challenge. I want to hear your story. Something or someone that you remember that has helped make you who you are. And if you don't tell it to me...please, tell it to someone. We only have so much time on this Earth and who knows where we go afterwords. The important thing is to leave something behind for those who come after you. Don't be an untold story. As miniature as you might feel in the grand making of history, you're a part of it regardless. If you want to leave your mark.....don't be an untold story.

Death in the Eyes of Lorelai

This morning I woke up like I would on any typical Thursday morning. I tried to sleep in because it's my day off and, as always, was unable to. So, I got up, threw my flip flops on and took Leira for her morning walk.

Once outside, she did her typical sniff-sniff here, sniff-sniff there until she found the exact spot she wanted to urinate....decided that that spot wasn't quite good enough and then in mid squat meandered on up the sidewalk a little further. About 10 minutes (and a few false alarms) later, we were back inside and she was begging for breakfast.

I fed her and had to fight to distract the rest of the menagerie with bribes of kitty treats so that she could eat her meal in a somewhat peaceful state. All was well. All was normal. I saw Lorelai sitting in her usual patch of sun staring at what I thought was nothing. (Because it usually is...she likes to stare at things that aren't really there. Maybe a ghost?). I went over to pet her and she chirped and squinted her eyes in a happy state like she always does. That's when I saw it.

It. Was. Huge.

It. Was. Gross.

And I think.... is that a baby one beside it?.........

Me:"BOOOOOOOSKI!!!!!!!"

Andrew (in a half awakened state): "Mumble mumble mumble, what?"

Me: "There is a HUGE ass bug downstairs and it's staring at me while Lorelai is staring at it....and I think there is another one beside it and oh God! It's staring at me too and.....can you please come get it?!?!!!!.......NOW!"

I don't really get an answer, I just hear Andrew upstairs putting his pants on...(because why dispose of a nasty bug in your underwear right?) He stumbles downstairs to examine the bug. The three of us stare on.

Me. Andrew. And Lorelai.

Andrew is much braver than I am and is able to get a little closer. The bug is not moving but we think it's still alive.

Me: "What about her baby?"

Andrew: As he takes a closer look...."Um, I don't think that's her baby..."

Me: Freaking out..."Then what the hell is that?"

Then it clicks.

I look at Andrew. He looks back at me. Silently we understand. We both look at Lorelai sitting there all sweet and innocent....... guarding her prey.

She looks at us and I swear she was smiling.

It wasn't a baby bug....

It was the bugs head.

THE. BUG'S. HEAD!!!!!

Yep. My sweet little dilute calico kitty ripped the head off of said bug. Spit it out. And then sat there watching it die.....

I have no words.....

Vampires Vs. DMV...What are you more afraid of?

So my wonderful sister-in-law  Jenn and I FINALLY went to go see Eclipse last week. We had to wait longer than we initially wanted to because of other things going on and not being able to find the time to actually get together and go see it. But alas, the day finally came last Thursday when I got a text that went something like this: (Let me just make the point here that I am so very upset with myself for erasing all of the text messages that created the conversation that pursued once this first text was made. Therefore, some of this is a bit ad-lib, but you'll get the point:).

Jenn: "You, Me Eclipse? Tonight at 7? Come early. We'll go to Target and get candy:)."

Me: "Oooooh. Candy and Popcorn for dinner?!?"

 Jenn: "That was my thought exactly."

Me: "I. Am. So. There."

Meanwhile, I go on about my day because I have several errands to run considering that, though being married finally is a super awesome experience, the process of changing one's name....is not.

First stop: the DMV.

Once there, I see that there is quite a large line ahead of me, with only one employee giving out numbers and only 2 other employees calling customers one at a time to do their business. (Really? I mean, with so many people being out of work, you would still think that the DMV would be able to round up some more employees.....I'm just saying.)

So anyway. I had only been standing there for about 5 minutes and the line had moved about a quarter of an inch within that time (Hey! I like to be positive.), when this punk-ass kid walks in, stands in line for a minimum of two seconds and exclaims: "This sucks."

He. Is. A .Genius.

And he talks to himself and sighs very loudly in my ear, which makes me want to turn around and punch him in the face. But I'm a newly, happily married woman and I want to make a point that it is possible for a single individual to wait in line at the DMV for 2 hours with a smile on her face.

So, yes. I became that person that everyone hates. You know, the one that always sees the light at the end of the tunnel, happiness and rainbows and blah blah blah. That was me on that day because I refused to let it get me down. (PLUS! I was going to see Eclipse that night with my best friend:). Extra bonus!

Speaking of which, about an hour had passed at the DMV and I was now sitting in one of those plastic chairs watching the screen in front of me, learning lots of facts about driving that I had, ahem, perhaps forgotten? I would educate you on such facts at this time, but I can't remember what they were.... However, I do remember seeing the story on  Lindsy Lohan  having to do jail time for skipping out on parole. (What has happened to the youth of America?) And also they showed a picture of Scarlett Johanson pumping gas....interesting stuff. Let me tell you.

I check my phone to see if I have any messages and I have three texts:

Jenn: "I am so excited!"

Jenn:"Yea vampires and shirtless werewolves."

Andrew: Vampires and Werewolves and ghosts...oh my."

I ignore Andrew's text and the fact that he is so clueless that duh! There ARE no ghosts in the Twilight saga. (He has so much to learn....). And promptly text Jenn back the ever-so grown-up expression:

Me: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

Jenn: "I KNOW! I can't wait!!!"

Me:"Yea. Yummy werewolves with no shirts. Score!"

Jenn:" Mmmmm no shirts."

Jenn: "I mean, we will wear shirts:)."

Me: "We don't have to. Hee  Hee."

Let me just interject here to explain above lesbian-type comment. It's an on-going joke that the whole reason Jenn married my brother Pat was to get close to me and because gay marriage isn't yet legal in North Carolina. It's just a joke though. Really. We aren't lesbians. Promise. So back to shirtless werewolves and sulky vampires that shimmer in the sun.

They. Are. HOT!

So the rest of my experience at the DMV wasn't very exciting. The sulky teenager (who was SO NOT hot like a sulky vampire) somehow ended up sitting two seats away from me and I would occasionally hear such comments as :"Come on! and Arrggggggg and I'm a pansy-ass white boy who can't wait patiently in line even though it's my fault I'm here because I did [insert something illegal here].....OK. Maybe not the last one but you get my point right?

Once it was finally my turn, I practically skipped to the lady and handed here my information. And.....

Nothing.

She just stared past me and started yelling across the office to the one other employee to turn her music down. Then she just stared, still not at me, but kind of above and beside me.

I continued to sit there and smile like an idiot until she finally asked me what it was I needed.

"Me: "I'm changing my name because I just got married!" (Big smile and BOUNCE!)

She said nothing, Just took my paperwork, typed in some information in the computer. When she did speak it was only to ask me for 10 bucks. I wrote her a check, still smiling and she handed me my little ticket with my new signature on it to give to the picture-taking guy. (Who, by the way,  was also the guy handing out tickets to people waiting in line. Really DMV? Get your act together!) I went and sat down in another uncomfortable plastic chair, still smiling and bouncing my crossed leg back and forth, waiting for my new driver's license picture to be taken.

Then I heard something behind me.

"Arggggggggg."

Really? Could I not at least get a break from the stupid, patient-challenged teenager?

It was OK though, My name was next and even though it took 20 more minutes to be called, when I heard my new last name being spoken by someone other than family and friends, I beamed!

I went up and sat in, yet another plastic chair, smiling stupidly for what seemed like 5 minutes, while (I think?) the guy took my picture. (The reason I say "I think" is because he never actually told me when he was going to take it....)

I stood beside him waiting to see my new license with my new picture with my new name and he hands me a piece of paper with only a copy of my new signature. I looked at him blankly as he explained how my new license would come in the mail between 5-7 business days. It was at this point I had to decide whether or not I was going to continue smiling, because inside I was full of rage.

Inside Me: "You mean to tell me that I have stood here in line for 2 freaking hours beside a smelly, spoiled teenager who grumbled the whole time, reading stupid facts about driving and movie stars that I DON"T CARE about, and not even spoken to by the creepy lady at the desk over there that won't even look at me and I don't even get my license today?!?!?!!!!"

(To calm myself down, I had to "force" myself to think of hot vampires and barely of age werewolves.)

No. I didn't make a scene. But my insides were screaming. (See above.) I just took my new license (aka...little white slip of paper) and continued to practically skip out of the DMV.

So yes. I might not have that little piece of plastic with my new name and my new picture on it yet, but I can tell you one thing.....

I bet I was smiling.

Sick Days

We all have them and we all feel a little bit guilty when we take them

I mean, think about it. We're calling into our place of work to let our employer know that we are taking the day off because we're not feeling well. And then we get to sit on the couch and do at least 3 out of 4 of the things I personally most LOVE to do. (i.e. Watch T.V. , read a good book, eat...if you aren't having the icky stomach poos and most importantly sleep).

I find it a little comical in some ways. Obviously, there are days when you wake up in the morning knowing full well that you aren't going to make it through the rest of the day without either passing out, coughing a lung up, or vomiting all over your co-workers, ect ect.

So why do we (and by "we" I mean the majority of us) make the actual "call in" as dramatic as we possibly can? Think about it. And be honest, if you have a cold, don't you manage a little cough or a sniffle on the phone? Or even make your voice sound all croak-y as if you are trying to sale to the person on the other end of the line that yes, you are indeed sick and not coming into work today.

Then there is the issue if you have to actually GO somewhere during said sick day because you need orange juice or cough syrup or Kleenex. Then you find yourself walking around the store in full alert by the off-chance that someone you work with might see you out and about when you're supposed to be at home in bed.

Maybe it's human nature to feel a little guilty when you take a day off to re-group. We offer ourselves excuses such as, well if I stay home today, it would be better if I went to work and got worse and then had to stay out multiple days. It's like when you go shopping and there's a HUGE sale and even though you weren't planning on buying anything, you come home with bags upon bags of stuff!

It's amazing how the human mind works. How we can convince ourselves that we feel or don't feel a certain way. Don't get me wrong. We all really do have our sick days. But admit it, sometimes they're "sick days" in that you just want to stay home and be able to grunge out and watch t.v, read a good book, eat whatever you want, and catch up on some much needed sleep.

I guess sometimes it's just easy to take advantage...or you feel like you're taking advantage when all you're really doing is trying to take care of yourself.

Or is that just another excuse?

C.O.R.P.O.R.A.T.E

I would be a crappy business woman.

But before I go any further, when I look at the above title in all caps, it reminds me of the goose from Charlotte's Webb. You know the one; the snobby one that says "Double T, Double E, Double R, Double I, Double F, Double I, Double C...."

Hee. Hee. A talking goose.

But anyways. I have worked for a few corporations in my life and have abruptly decided. It. Is. Not. For. Me. I mean really? What is the point of up-selling? Don't most people go into a store or a business already knowing what they want and how much they are planning to spend? When I am asked something along the lines of "Do you want fries with that?" I want to look at the person, slap myself on the forehead and say, "Gee! Why didn't I think of that while I was ordering?" I mean come on!

The first job I ever had was at a well-known amusement park that shall remain nameless to protect the innocent. But my boss was all about Upsale! UPSale! UPSALE! The part of the park I worked in was actually a little barbeque hut. (And yes, you read me right....B.A.R.B.E.Q.U.E. .....as in dead pig...which is ironic due to the Charlotte's Web reference I made above...oh yeah. AND I'm a vegetarian....but that's beside the point.) I remember sitting in a meeting and sort-of listening to how we needed to sale more desserts, yada, yada, yada. And I couldn't help thinking to myself, "Really? You want me to ask families to spend ten bucks on a piece of crappy key lime pie just so you can get a bigger bonus at the end of the year? You pay me $5.75 and take more than half of it out of my paycheck bi-weekly to help pay rent on a 3 bedroom apartment that I live in with 5 other girls. Fuck you and your dessert. Not to mention the fact that a lot of these people save up for years to come to said amusement park and spend hundreds of dollars on tickets alone. An average meal for a 4 person household is somewhere between 20-30 bucks.....for a lousy hamburger and fries. That's one word INSANE! NO! I won't upsale your crappy dessert! If someone orders a piece of pie, that's what they get. If not. Oh well."

This job experience, though many good things came out of it, should have been my first clue that business woman? I. Am. Not.

Ironically, I later worked at Walmart...... Call me a hypocrite if you want. But when you have been out of a job for several weeks in a row, you take what you can get.

And this is what I got in short. Crappy co-workers.Crappy customers returning crappy merchandise. And crappy pay. Need. I. Say. More?

Currently, as most of you know, I am working in a veterinary office. Unfortunately, it is not privately owned. It's, yep! You guessed it, owned by a corporation who owns several hospitals all over the US. I have been working there now for 4 years and lately, I am starting to see all of these changes that seem to be revolved around making more money. Don't get me wrong, I understand that a business can't be a business without making money...but there is a line. And I feel like lately, we as employees are being asked to cross it.

I can't do that.

I won't do that.

I first and foremost do what I do because I want to make a difference somehow. I want to help animals and their people. And I don't feel like the way to do that is via raising prices and charging more for products our clients can get cheaper somewhere else. (And before you ask, yes. I do tell said clients where to get said products cheaper. Especially if they are already shelling out hundreds of dollars for their pet. In my world. It's the decent thing to do. ) I want to make my mark on this world before my time here is over....and I'm tired of stupid corporations and their mad money-making skills getting in the way of that.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not all "Down with the government! Don't work for the man!" But there is a huge part of me that rather work for the underdog. I have worked for both independents and corporations and I have to say, I have much more respect for the independents. If I ever caught someone stealing at the little store I used to work at, I took it much more seriously and personally than if I saw it at Walmart...only because these people were my friends and they have worked so hard to accomplish the American Dream. I realize that all corporations start from a small business. But much like government can get, it's so easily corrupted. Where is the line drawn? How do we hold up to the humanity that most of us start out with? How do we keep from getting greedy? And more so, how do we avoid getting caught up in it all?

I don't want to be a part of it all. Even Wilbur (Yes. The pig from Charlotte's Web who need not know that I worked at a barbecue restaurant.) got tired of his fame and fortune. His biggest lesson learned was that at the end of the day, it's the small things in life that matter. Which makes me wonder? If spiders and barn yard animals get it.....

Why can't we?

Lorelai's Top 10 on TV

10) Barack Obama...she loves that man.

9) Tales of Avonlea. When we were living in Pat and Jenn's spare bedroom, I would watch this show before going to sleep and she would sit at the end of my bed, little white paws curled up underneath her, and watch the screen religiously.

8) Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. ("There's something afoot at the Circle K")

7) Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. (What? She has an eclectic taste for classic movies. And Bill and Ted is definitely a classic for my generation.)

6) Where the Heart Is. During the last scene, right before they finally kiss, Lorelai came out of no where, sat directly in front of the TV screen, and stretched her paw up to touch the couple's faces. Classic. Movie watching. Moment.

5) The Closer. Actually. This is just her theme song. She grooves to the beat every time she hears it, strutting across the floor like she's Michael Jackson. I kid you not.

4) The DVD my friend Traci gave her that has the choice of chirping birds, butterflies or dragonflies floating across the screen. (She thinks they're real and I haven't the heart to tell her the truth...)

3) The mouse arrow on the computer screen, therefore making it nearly impossible for me to do anything on the computer.

2) Gilmore Girls. Need you ask why? They are her namesake.

1) The "Lorelai Show". Nope. Not Gilmore Girls again. This is the "show" of Lorelai staring lovingly at her own reflection when the TV is indeed off. Her favorite show for sure.

Why the World Doesn't Care When It's Your Birthday...

1) The people you work with forget that it's your birthday until later on in the day when they claim to "make it up to you". Forget it. You screwed up. The damage is done.

2) One of your favorite epileptic patients comes in, having bloody diarrhea and the Dr. in charge thinks that she's in liver failure and not looking for a positive outcome.

3) The first thing your manager says to you is "did you change the x-ray chemicals?", reminding you of a few days ago when you got pulled into the office to be told of all the things you have been doing wrong...and making you bite your tongue when all you really want to say is, "Did you even look at the big sheet on the x-ray door that has my initials on it for the past week, therefore declaring that , yes! I checked the x-ray chemicals! Get off my back!"

4)The person you're closing with (the only other person closing that day) calls out because she has a headache...really? Take some tylonol for crying out loud!

5) Your supervisor goes home early, leaving only you and one other person to cover for the rest of the day. Happy. F***ing. Birthday. To. Me.

6) A big, mean dog still manages to beat you up and drag you across the floor....on sedatives! (How is that even possible?)

7) The dog having surgery the next day decides to bust his lip open on the cage door at 5:59 when you are scheduled to leave at 6:00, therefore making the cage look like he massacred a small animal.

8) Getting stopped by every stop-light on the way home, when all you want to do is snuggle with your fiance' and forget about everything that has just happened in your day. Your birthday.

Dramatic? Yes. But it's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.

Someone always has had a day that was worse...

I was thinking about my week on my way home from work last night. My job has not been going well for the past month or so and each little thing just keeps building up more and more, making me feel like I'm about to explode.
Yesterday was bad because everyone around me seemed to be feeling the exact same way, so the lack of positive energy was making it worse. I felt like I couldn't breathe...you know, trapped and you can't get out. Being a vet tech is what I've been focusing on for the past 6 years. I'm leaning closer and closer to the idea of "I don't want to do this with the rest of my life."
I'm tired of not being recognized for the things I do accomplish . The only recognition is when I screw something up (which just seems to be a lot lately.) I'm a hard and dedicated worker and that's not me being conceited...it's just the truth. I know I have the personality that I don't gossip or complain or talk about people behind their backs...therefore everyone comes to me and I have to hear about it anyway (there's only one person there who I don't mind when she talks to me about things going on...and you know who you are:). But everyone else? I DON"T CARE!!!!! Keep it to yourself! Leave the drama at home, you're only making it worse for everyone, including yourselves so SHUT-UP already!
All this being said, I was wallowing about everything all at once when I thought about something. Apparently, there were 2 pretty major wrecks that happened yesterday afternoon on the road that I work on. One was a head on collision and the other one involved 2 pedestrians (14 year old girls) that got hit by a van...we know that one of the girls didn't make it. And here I was, pitying myself and my minuscule issues when someone else had just lost a daughter....somehow it doesn't come close to measuring up with my worries. It made me realize that no matter how hard a day I claim to have...someone else had it worse.
I'm a very lucky human being. I have the best family anyone could ask for. My parents have stood by me through thick and thin...even when they thought I was crazy. But I always had the feeling that they knew I would be OK. My brother is not only my brother, but one of my best friends and though we've had our issues in the past, I've always known he is there for me no matter what. My sister-in law is the sister I never had and I am so grateful to have her in my life. The man I'm about to marry (7 weeks from today!:) is my soul mate, best friend, shoulder to cry on, you name it...that's what he is. He's that "something missing" over all of those years of failed relationships. He's "it" whatever that means and I've never been happier. And not only am I marrying the most loving, wonderful, funny, handsome, sweetest guy in the whole wide world, I'm inheriting a wonderful family as well.....
So really. What do I have to complain about?
I'm still young. I still have goals and dreams. And my plan is to accomplish or at least try to accomplish all of them. I think the feeling I've been feeling for so long is that I have given up in the whole career department....and that is not what I do. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not a quitter. So I'm not going to quit. I'm going to keep my head up high and focus on the good things in my life...because even if there isn't positive energy flowing around me where I spend the majority of my time (work), I know I'm going to come home to it and be around it where it matters the most. And knowing that is what has gotten me this far.
So bring it on life!
I'm ready for the next challenge you have in store for me.
You haven't lost me quite yet.

Constants

I have a handful.
I'm not very good at staying stagnant. I like change and to move things around, whether it be in furniture or entire cities or states. I don't like feeling like I'm in a cage or as though I'm trapped. I've been like this since I was a little girl. My parents would often wake up and find that my bedroom door was closed and hear me bumping and moving things around in my room. They always knew to give me my space during such times so that i could work out my frustration on each piece of furniture finding a new "home" within my small bedroom.
In past relationships, I found myself getting antsy and dis-interested and no matter how much or how often I would try to mix things up a bit, I was never fully happy.
Because in reality, you shouldn't have to try so hard on the wrong things.
For example, liking someone.
In meeting Andrew, I learned very quickly that I not only love him, but I like him. Weird right? I mean, who knew that this was the key to what had been missing in all of those other failed relationships? It was so easy for me to fall in love and yet half the time (let's be honest...most of the time) I despised having to spend quality time with any one of those guys. They drove me crazy. Absolutely batty I tell you.
So there I was, jumping from one relationship to another in hopes of finding that something to feel the void/hole that had formed in my heart. I found myself often in search of a song on the radio that would make me cry in order to get out all of the emotion I had been holding back from everyone...including myself.
Because who cries if they're happy right?
Or rather, who seeks to cry when she feels she has no tears left?
That would be me, once upon a time.
Don't get me wrong, they weren't all assholes. I mean, some of them , their worst "crime" was only being lazy or loving me too much or trying too hard or not enough. (Then again, some were assholes...it just took me awhile to realize it...ahem 3 years.....sad? Yes. I know.)
Suddenly, it's as if this baggage has been lifted off of my shoulders. I would be lying if I said I felt no pain left from the other live(s) I have lived, but I at least feel at peace with it all now.
I have accepted that i can't change a person for the better, even though, I never realized until much later that this was what I had been trying to do. It doesn't matter how much I saw the fact that these people had something more in them than what they were offering. What mattered is that they didn't see this....and that's why we failed. You can love someone so unconditionally and yet, if he doesn't love himself, you find yourself in it alone.
And who wants that?
Now i find myself hearing those same songs that I once seeked out to hear when in need of an emotional outburst and you know what?
Nothing.
I have cried my tears for those songs and have none left to dedicate to them. The only thing I feel when hearing them now is a sadness for anyone who feels the way I once did.
Lost and alone with no where to go.
So back to my constants; the people in my life who have always mattered the most. This is what is worth holding onto.
My family, my small group of friends, and my BEST friend Andrew, who I feel has always somehow been there for me just waiting to find me at the exact right moment in our lives when we needed it the most. When all hope was almost lost. When the last twinkle of an almost burnt out candle was about to be blown out. He restored all in me that I felt had been lost.
And I'm so very happy to say that in almost 3 years time, I find myself still becoming antsy and wanting to move things around, but wanting him to be a part of it. Because he is now such a huge part of me.
The constant that will always be.

Why do I care?

Something struck me the other day and I realized that this something has been with me my entire life. What is it you ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's the mere fact that I always have to feel acceptance from people. It doesn't matter who it is. I can't stand it if I feel like someone doesn't like me.
Not too strange you say. Everyone wants to be liked right? Well here's the strange twist to this feeling I have. It doesn't matter if i don't like the person or not. In fact, it's almost as if I crave for such people to like me more than I do the people I don't have a problem with.
Can. You. Say. Therapy?
But seriously. When I look back at most of the friendships I had growing up, I find myself , not feeling nostalgic, but almost as though I was cheated out of something. There was always so much drama and I always found myself getting stuck in the middle of everything. And the worst part of all of this is, that I also found myself in situations when I could have stuck up for someone, usually someone I actually cared about, and didn't because I wanted to be included and feel important.
I'm not proud of those moments.
So after thinking on this and letting it all out, I have found that I still crave such acceptance. I get along with most anyone, but there are a handful of people that I just. can't . stand. No matter how many outs or chances I give them to redeem themselves in my mind. And yet, I would be so upset if I found out that said people indeed don't like me very much either.
What. Is. That?
Does that make sense to anyone? I mean. Why should I care what they say or think about me? Why should I take the time to be offended? I doubt that they would do the same for me.
I guess what I'm getting at is that this subject makes me so sad and angry at the same time. I can't tell you how often I tried to feel accepted by someone, claiming for so long, for years, that she was my best friend. But when I look back at pictures or old videos, all I feel is heartache and ridicule and the hurt of not feeling good enough all over again. Even sadder? I made the effort to find this "friend" on facebook so that we could reconnect.
I know deep down that it doesn't matter how many times I write her or try to keep in touch with her, with no reply I might add. It doesn't matter how much I put myself out there to make an effort to re-kindle what I thought we once had. None of it matters because the only thing i am really trying to rekindle is the emotion I felt towards this person when I was 14 years old. I really did feel that we were best friends and that she treated me nicely, because at the time, that was the way I thought I was supposed to be treated, Though it wasn't nice at all. I'm permananlty scared by the arguments we had. by all of the effort it took me to try and be more like her, to feel accepted and loved by her.
but in reality, I never was.
So why is it that I am arguing with the little girl inside my head over whether or not I should keep trying? Why can't I just accept defeat and come to terms that I am lucky enough and very fortunate in the friends I have managed to make and keep over the years? Why does the haunting image of a little, teenage me keep popping up standing alone on the sidelines in a group full of people?
Why do I even care?

Wedding dress fitting x 2

So I went for my second dress fitting yesterday and let me just say....so not a blast. The people at David's Bridal were very accommodating but standing still for an hour and a half turning this way and that so that they could put multiple pins in at all different angles, is not my idea of a fun time.
That being said...this was the second time I had to do this because the first time, they were unable to finish due to the fact that I'm vertically challenged.
On a side note, my stomach had been hurting all day and I was mortified at the huge possibility that while turned with my backside towards said seamstress, I was going to "pass gas" in her face. (As I was thinking about this, I also freaked out at the concept of "Oh my God! I cannot fart in my wedding dress!" )
That's just not decent.
I do have to say though that the dress is finally looking more and more like my own and I felt "preeeety".
I also loved the little girl who exclaimed "Oooooh. You're beautiful" when I walked out of the dressing room. (In that moment I inwardly proclaimed her as my new best friend.)
Also, for those of you are wondering, I managed to make it through the entire fitting without clearing the room.
Yea me!

Dream Job

Is there such a thing? I have always told myself that I would never settle for anything; that if I wasn't happy, then I would find what it is that happens to be missing from my life. It seems like this works so well with everything but my job.
Don't get me wrong, for the most part, I love what I do. But there are days (many lately) that I often find myself wishing that I could be doing something else for a career. I love being part of a "master plan" in helping and doing all I can for our little, furry creatures, but it can be so trying. Sometimes, I'm not sure I have it in me anymore to remain strong on those days that are so sad; when an owner loses his pet, his friend, his companion after a 19 year relationship....it's hard to cope. Or when you hold a dying puppy, no bigger than one of my hands, and you feel it take it's last breath....these are things I have a hard time letting go of. I know that death is a fact of life, but being exposed to it so often can be such a hard burden to bare.
Sometimes, I want a job that I can leave at work and not worry about again until the next day I have to go in.
But is there such a thing?
I, unfortunately, don't think there is for me.
I have always been the type of person who becomes too involved and has a hard time accepting when I can't change something for the good. I don't think I've ever had a job where i was able to leave it once I clocked out for the night. Certain people, events, issues, pets or whatever always linger somewhere in the back of my mind and it continues to nag me until I'm sure I'm going crazy.
And it is so crazy. I mean the whole idea of work. I understand it and it's a great concept, but it takes so much out of all of us and our everyday lives. It takes us away from our home lives, our family our pets...the people we love most and work so hard for to take care of.
I see my co-workers more than I do my own family and I hate that. It doesn't seem fair or remotely make any sense. And the fact that I bring my work home with me makes it that much worse.
It's such a very thin line that's so easily crossed. You either "don't care" or let it consume you. I have yet to find that happy medium...and I don't think anyone else could ever convince me that they've found it either.
So where does that leave us?
We live in a world where what we "do" defines us. If you take a chance and step outside that stereotypical box, you are most likely to find yourself to be ridiculed and not taken seriously because it's not the "norm".
But I wonder.
What would happen if more of us took the chances that seem so "crazy" to the outside world? Even if we all failed in accomplishing them? What if more of us followed our dreams and made them a reality instead of just settling? What if we didn't give up?
Could the answers to these questions fill that empty void that so many of us feel?
I guess there is only one way to find out....
I just hope I'm brave enough to do it.

Focus

Sometimes it's frustrating being me. For example, I love to write and when I'm driving or walking or in the shower or anywhere no where near a computer, I think of all of these great topics to write about. And yet, when I sit down to write about them, I can't remember any of said topics.

I am very much like that cow from that commercial. You know the one. The group of cows are running through the field and the one is exclaiming "I'm winning! I'm winning! "I'm....Ohhh! Dandelions!"

That cow would be me.

It's like I need a little elf, or oh, a little fairy, that would be better, to sit on my shoulder and tell me when to focus. Oh! She could be a cow! I wonder what she would look like? I imagine her to be teeny tiny and have a bright pick pair of butterfly wings and a magic wand shaped like a big button. She would sit on my shoulder as I sit at the computer to construct a new excellent piece of writing. Each time I try to get distracted, she would tap me on the head and say "No. No. Focus..." and Moo soothingly in my ear.

The only problem with this scenario is that I very much like, happy, pretty shiny things....much like the cow-fairy I just described. Therefore, I would most likely find myself getting distracted by her prettiness (not to mention oddness) and still unable to produce a suitable piece of work. Then I'm just stuck in the same spot I was to begin with.

Woe is me. What am I to do?

Perhaps she could be a turtle instead? Now that's something to ponder.....

Hmmmmm.....

Happy Birthday Leira Dog!

Our dog Leira's birthday was last Thursday and we got her party hats and treats! (Actually, to be honest only party hats....the treats were left over from the one's she got from my parent' s at Christmas...but that's beside the point.)

We sang "Happy Birthday" and everything. Awe. I bet you are wishing that you could have witnessed such a wonderful event. Well. Never fear! I have a video.

Yes....A video.

Enjoy!

I think there is a drug raid in order...

So. Tell me if you find this odd. Andrew and I live next door (not exactly right next door. It's the next set of townhouses over...and yes. Ours are cooler.) to some people who we only see on occasion. This isn't the strange part. The strange part is that we usually only see them when it's pitch black outside and they are either loading or un-loading...get this...washers and dryers in and out of their van and/or truck.

What the heck is that all about? I mean, if they're part of a company or business that does maintenance on said washers and dryers that's one thing. But I don't find this to be the case. Here's why.

There are usually at least 3 of them, 2 to help lift the heavy artillery (I mean "equipment") in and out of the truck and one that stands by, sort of watching like he's a look-out or something. (You ask how I know this? Well obviously I can see them all perfectly from my kitchen window. No worries though. They can't see me because I am very very sneaky. I could be a spy. Really. I could.) Also, why would they always do this at night? What's the big secret about an old washer or dryer? why all the hush hush? And lastly.....

OK. That's all I have. But I honestly think the two details listed above are more than enough evidence that something is awry at the townhouse next door.

I think it's drugs. I mean, think about it. Cool, dry places to store lots and lots of marijuana and/or other gross, bad habit-forming badness....WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?!?!!!

Hmmm. Maybe I could get a job at the FBI once I expose these drug dealers for the criminals they are! Maybe I'll be on the news! And famous...and rewarded lots of money because I helped clear the streets of Raleigh via exposing a dryer full of marijuana. I can see the headlines now:

"Drug Dealers Busted By Neighbor: A Small Vet-Tech, Hippie-Type in Scrubs. The Streets of Raleigh Now Free of Gross Badness."......

Or something to that effect.

What do you think?

Letter to Pets (aka: ye ungrateful masters of the house)

Dear Lorelai, Tuna, Phoebe, Leira, Dip and Bianca,

Yet again, I have some small requests/favors to ask of you at this time. Perhaps you may remember hearing some of them once (twice, maybe three) times before, but in case you forgot, I am here to remind you. So here it goes.

Considering that I already owe at least $500 in vet bills (yes. this is with my 75% discount...), please refrain from making me think that you are "sick" and causing me to spend un-needed expenses just because you are "neglected" and don't get enough attention. This means:

Lorelai: I know that you prefer a tidy litterbox and that it is "un-fit" for you to have to urinate in cat litter that has already been soiled by one of your fellow felines. This being said, I do appreciate your efforts in refraining from peeing on a pile of clothes or a blanket lying on the floor. However, the Christmas tree skirt and the rug downstairs are also off limits. If you continue to do this, it makes me feel as though you have crystals in your urine again (even though she's on special food) and then mommy gets paranoid that you are going into renal failure and that your kidneys are shot and that I am a bad pet owner for "letting" this happen. If you hate going to the vet so much, knowing full well that I am going to poke you to get a urine sample, please make sure you really are sick before I have to do go far as to take you in for the Dr. to re-examine you (again).

P.S. Though, better than a rug or a pile of clothes, urinating in the spare bathtub (and I think maybe our regular one as well...though I try not to think about it) is. not. an. option. either.

Tuna: The only medical issue you have is your asthma and that seems to be under control at this very moment. Let's. Keep. It. That. Way.

Phoebe: I know all you want in life is cake and I get that. I mean. Who doesn't? But sweetie, it just can't happen. Cake isn't for kitties. Let. It. Go. (On a side note, though it's cute when you have your spaz-attacks, running up the stairs and then persistently running around in circles, chasing your tail...it worries me and makes me think you are having a seizure. Please stop before un-needed medical attention occurs in your world for no reason what-so-ever other than the fact that your mother is a hypochondriac for her pets.)

Leira: For the love of God! Tell me where the fleas are coming from! I can't keep bleaching every blanket, carpet, pillow, piece of fabric you touch because I see one flea, freak out and therefore think the whole house is infected. Also, though I love corn chips, the fact that you occasionally smell like them kind of makes me not want mexican food for awhile. This just makes me sad. You don't want momma to be sad do you?

Dip: You too make noises at times that sound like you are having a seizure. This MRRMAH loudness/nonsense needs to stop. Especially early in the morning when all you are really trying to do is get fed. Also, so not funny when you freaked me out that time because you weren't acting like yourself and I performed blood-work on you, only to find that you are perfectly healthy. What is that all about?

Bianca: My only request from you is not health related (though this does not incline you to develop a health issue of your own). All I ask of you is to stop egging Lorelai on. I know that you two have not yet come to terms, but if either of you lands on my face again when in the midst of an argument, words will be had. (Of the four-letter variety if you know what I mean.)

I believe this is all for now. Please let me know if you have any questions/comments to provide.

Sincerely,
Momma

Random thoughts

On my way home from work today, I glanced over and saw neon lights running towards me. It wasn't until a few seconds later that I realized said neon lights were attached to a runner. Therefore, making me feel stupid and also like the lazy slacker that I am.

I helped put in a cat urinary catheter this afternoon and my job was to "protrude the cat's penis." The doctor was showing me how and I got it right first try. (Yea me!) This is when my co-worker looked at me and said, "Hey! You're good at that!"....Hmmm. Not so sure how I feel about this. Perhaps I should consider another line of work? (Oops. That sounded dirty...Did. Not. Mean. That. Get your mind out of the gutter!)

The other day (again at work since this is where I spend the majority of my time...) an owner non-chalantly accused me in so many words that i "hurt" her dog because she heard him screaming. I explained to her that he didn't like his temperature being taken and she looked at me and said "Well. It sounded like someone was hurting him!" I tried to reassure her that this wasn't the case while inside I was screaming "YES! YOU CAUGHT ME! I"M A CLOSET PET BEATER!" Phew. So glad that THAT"S out in the open.

I hate loud people. More so I hate loud, DRUNK people screaming in my ear about how I should get a wedding band with at least 1 or 2 diamonds in it, then when I tell said person that I'm not interested in diamonds, she exclaims "well you could just get something plain then." ....Grrrr

Speaking of drunk people. Have you ever noticed when you are the DD that the same conversation can pass between the same 3 people at least 5 times and they will act as though it's the first time the topic has been touched? (Note to self: Next time, I. wanna. drink!)

Do you ever laugh out loud while you are alone and find yourself looking around the room guiltily as though you might get caught? Not that I do that...really. I was just curious.

I like cows.

Top 10 moments of 2009!

OK. Yes. I know I'm a little late with this post but it's been a bit crazy in my world of late...It's taken me awhile to catch up after the holiday season. But here it is, what you have all been waiting for (I'm sure:),my best of best top 10 moments of 2009!

10)DVR...see #5 below. The night that my favorite show kept being interrupted by the movement of the wind outside, made our decision to finally crack down and buy the stupid DVR.
9)At our engagement party when my Mom totally struck Andrew's Dad down. It. Was. Classic. Setting: Our little townhouse where we are enjoying the company of family and friends together at last. My Mom sitting opposite from Andrew's Dad and they are all conversing of top music hits and such. Andrew's Dad claims an answer to some obscure question asked and my Mom blurts out, "NO! It was such and such...." (In all honesty, I forget what the question/answer was in relation to...but it was hilarious!). Imagine. My mother, all sweet and quiet and innocent and she just blurts out across the room that my future father-in-law is indeed wrong. And to top it all off...my future mother-in-law sides with my Mom, leaving Andrew's Dad completely and utterly alone in his (apparently_ not so infinite wisdom in old t.v. and music). Priceless. Simply priceless.
8)The love of cooking coming back full swing. I used to always associate cooking with depression. As a teenager, I would stay in the kitchen for hours baking cookies and trying out new recipes (of course never to take a bite of any of it myself). It kept me pre-occupied and calmed me somehow. For the longest time, I had a hard time re-surfacing this love of cooking and trying out new foods. But now this love is back with a vengeance and I've come up with some very good results (per Andrew:).
7)The Vampire craze. It's strange considering how afraid I was, and still am, of Dracula. I have suddenly become obsessed with "Twilight-like" stories where the heroine falls for the vampire because he's "really a nice guy". I'm not sure what this says about me but I know I"m not alone in this, due to the fact that these types of books /movies/shows, ect have been some of the top-sellers for months and months on end. I am aware that these creatures are not being true to the "originals" that Bela Legosi and Vincent Price portrayed years ago. But I think the reason behind my new obsession is the fact that I always felt a soft spot for every "monster" my daddy introduced us to as kids. Pat and I grew up watching Frankenstein, the Mummy, The Wolfman, Godzilla, ect...and I loved each and every one of these characters because they all had some sort of human aspect to them. However, Dracula was one that I never felt bad for and each time he came out lurking from inside of that creepy-ass coffin, I wanted to stake him myself. My point is that now vampires have somehow been "redeemed". There are still your nasty ones...you know, the ones that want to stalk you, lure you in, ask you to invite them in, chew on your neck and then kill you....but there are some lovers out there too. One more thing. I know I have a problem because the other day, I found myself watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer upstairs, going downstairs to watch The Vampire Diaries, and reading one of the Sookie Stockhouse novels that the HBO series True Blood is based on. (Plus, I just bought the first season of True Blood on DVD.) I am not above it all to proclaim that I do have a problem and it must be addressed. But I'm not in any hurry to do so:).
6)Dip and Bianca coming to live with us. I make this specific event as number 6, not to be mean but due to the details surrounding it. The main reason, other than that they're wonderful cats and fantastic additions to our growing family, is that I had made a promise to my grandmother that I would find a great home for them since she was no longer able to care for them herself. She passed away soon after this promise was made. I fought with it for a long time, keeping these sweet kitties at the hospital, displayed up front in hopes that someone perfect would snatch them up. We all knew what the end result would be. Andrew had already called it when he saw the look on Mama Dot's face when she asked me to take on this task. He knew at that moment that we would eventually have 5 cats. And he was right. I knew that this is what she wanted and I couldn't deny it any longer. And I swear that she speaks through them when she sees fit to do so. I can't tell you how many times I have looked at one of them and felt her presence. "Speaking" beyond the grave has been a family tradition on my Dad's side of the family for years. And I have to honestly say, I have no complaints knowing that the people who have passed on in my life, are still very much with me.
5)Glee. Hey! Don't knock it until you watch it. It's an amazing show, full of sweet, lovable characters and story-lines. Not to mention, wonderful music accompanied by spectacular dancing. I. Love. It! (In fact, I already own volume 1 and 2 soundtracks AND the first volume of Season 1!) So exciting! I know what you are thinking and the answer is No! I. Am. Not Obsessed. Really...I'm not....
4)Road trip to Colorado on a budget. (And I mean...On. A. Budget.) It was fantastic! The way the Great Out West should be seen! Completely random stops including but not limited to old movie sets, great memorials, national parks and a Huge ass statue of Jesus. I ask you....Can it really get any better than that?
3) Andrew being at my Mom and Dad's to celebrate Christmas. I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it felt to have everyone I love the most together for Christmas. It's my most favorite time of year and one of the best Christmas' I've ever had. The 6 of us felt like a family and though I know there will be many more Christmas' like this to follow, this first one, I will never forget.
2)Meeting my idol Dar Williams. Do I really have to say more? (If so...please see blog post from August 2, 2009 intitled "Heroes".
1) Obviously...it was meeting Dar Williams...no wait, I already put that as my #2.....hmmmm. What could #1 be? I can't imagine....perhaps it has something to do with the ring on my left, ring finger. EEEK!!!! I'm finally getting married:)