It's been awhile.
And I'm not really sure where to start but here it goes. The other day, I was watching an older t.v show (and by older, I mean late 90's, which really doesn't seem like that long ago but that's beside the point...) and the main character was at a therapist. She had just found out that her parents were splitting up. She was devastated and willing to take all of the blame for this life-changing decision her parents were making when the therapist looked at her and said, "Stop making this about you. It's their situation. You have nothing to do with it. Be there for them...and let it go."
I immediately burst into tears because I am so guilty of doing this. I'm so concerned about being empathetic towards any situation presented to me that I immediately try to make the person who's confiding in me, feel better via offering a similar situation that I've been through up to them. It doesn't matter what it is. It could be anything from almost getting in a wreck that day to having a family disagreement. I always try to find an example in order to help the person in need understand that he/she is not alone.
But is this the right thing to do?
Is it the right way to go about trying to be there for someone?
I am constantly fretting over whether or not I am being selfish. I can't seen to differentiate between being there for someone or making it about me. This is a battle that I have fought with myself for as long as I can remember. I guess this is because I'm what one might call a "fixer". I want to help. I want to make things better. Because I believe with all my heart that everyone deserves happiness and the privilege to be happy. I don't know when to let go and stand back. I feel like the times I have stepped back, so to speak, I have only brought more disappointment and more unhappiness when all I was trying to do was give the person some space to wallow in their grief, knowing full well that I couldn't possibly understand what he/she was/is going through.
I don't want to be that person who constantly says "I know" or "I understand" or "God has a plan" or whatever. Because I don't know, I don't always fully understand and I'm not so sure at times if God does indeed, have a plan.
I'm just as clueless as the next guy. And I feel like a failure.
Why?
Because, it seems, I have spent my whole life searching for a person to be there for and quite possibly to save. I have been in countless relationships (both friends and lovers) that prove this fact and though I have finally found my soul mate, it is not me who has done the saving, but me who is slowly being saved. And in realizing this simple fact, I have found that the reason I put myself into those countless situations was/is because it left me being able to focus on someone else s problems, other than my own.
But now I'm at a loss. I don't know how to focus on me and my countless issues without feeling weak and selfish. And I don't know how to care for other people anymore because I spent so long focusing all of my energy on doing just that and leaving me out of it. I lost myself in the middle of it all and it would be so easy to do it all over again.
But this time, I don't want to.
Because this time, it's me that needs to be fixed....and in all honesty...
That scares the absolute shit out of me.
What if I'm beyond fixing?
Wow. I don't think I've ever admitted that to anyone...and that includes myself.
So there you have it world. I can scream it at the top of my lungs, but would it matter? I"M SCARED!!!!
"I'm suddenly afraid and I don't know what I'm afraid of..." And I don't have anywhere like a Tiffany's to go to Holly....so where does that leave me?
I'm at a crossroads trying to balance everyone else's life with my own...and I feel like I'm suffocating because I couldn't tell any one of you the reason as to why I feel this way.
I'm trapped in my own mind of swirling conversations and I want out.
I want out so badly, I could scream. Because what right do I have to feel this way when there are so many other people in this world who suffer more than me? What right do I have to complain or cry or yell or be angry? I've survived a lot, but in retrospect it's nothing because the same ghosts continue to haunt me and I don't know how to make it better.
I just want to feel better.
That's all I want for anybody but it seems too much to ask of anyone to make it so.
Am I being too selfish or too selfless?
I guess it's a fine line.
I just don't know which way to turn anymore. Going in circles is definitely not working...so what now?
What now?
