Nonsense ramblings of a troubled heart

It's been awhile.
And I'm not really sure where to start but here it goes. The other day, I was watching an older t.v show (and by older, I mean late 90's, which really doesn't seem like that long ago but that's beside the point...) and the main character was at a therapist. She had just found out that her parents were splitting up. She was devastated and willing to take all of the blame for this life-changing decision her parents were making when the therapist looked at her and said, "Stop making this about you. It's their situation.  You have nothing to do with it. Be there for them...and let it go."
I immediately burst into tears because I am so guilty of doing this. I'm so concerned about being empathetic towards any situation presented to me that I immediately try to make the person who's confiding in me, feel better via offering a similar situation that I've been through up to them. It doesn't matter what it is. It could be anything from almost getting in a wreck that day to having a family disagreement. I always try to find an example in order to help the person in need understand that he/she is not alone.
But is this the right thing to do?
Is it the right way to go about trying to be there for someone?
I am constantly fretting over whether or not I am being selfish. I can't seen to differentiate between being there for someone or making it about me. This is a battle that I have fought with myself for as long as I can remember. I guess this is because I'm what one might call a "fixer". I want to help. I want to make things better. Because I believe with all my heart that everyone deserves happiness and the privilege to be happy. I don't know when to let go and stand back. I feel like the times I have stepped back, so to speak, I have only brought more disappointment and more unhappiness when all I was trying to do was give the person some space to wallow in their grief, knowing full well that I couldn't possibly understand what he/she was/is going through.
I don't want to be that person who constantly says "I know" or "I understand" or "God has a plan" or whatever. Because I don't know, I don't always fully understand and I'm not so sure at times if God does indeed, have a plan.
I'm just as clueless as the next guy. And I feel like a failure.
Why?
Because, it seems, I have spent my whole life searching for a person to be there for and quite possibly to save. I have been in countless relationships (both friends and lovers) that prove this fact and though I have finally found my soul mate, it is not me who has done the saving, but me who is slowly being saved. And in realizing this simple fact, I have found that the reason I put myself into those countless situations was/is because it left me being able to focus on someone else s problems, other than my own.
But now I'm at a loss. I don't know how to focus on me and my countless issues without feeling weak and selfish. And I don't know how to care for other people anymore because I spent so long focusing all of my energy on doing just that and leaving me out of it. I lost myself in the middle of it all and it would be so easy to do it all over again.
But this time, I don't want to.
Because this time, it's me that needs to be fixed....and in all honesty...
That scares the absolute shit out of me.
What if I'm beyond fixing?
Wow. I don't think I've ever admitted that to anyone...and that includes myself.
So there you have it world. I can scream it at the top of my lungs, but would it matter? I"M SCARED!!!!
"I'm suddenly afraid and I don't know what I'm afraid of..." And I don't have anywhere like a Tiffany's to go to Holly....so where does that leave me?
I'm at a crossroads trying to balance everyone else's life with my own...and I feel like I'm suffocating because I couldn't tell any one of you the reason as to why I feel this way.
I'm trapped in my own mind of swirling conversations and I want out.
I want out so badly, I could scream. Because what right do I have to feel this way when there are so many other people in this world who suffer more than me? What right do I have to complain or cry or yell or be angry? I've survived a lot, but in retrospect it's nothing because the same ghosts continue to haunt me and I don't know how to make it better.
I just want to feel better.
That's all I want for anybody but it seems too much to ask of anyone to make it so.
Am I being too selfish or too selfless?
I guess it's a fine line.
I just don't know which way to turn anymore. Going in circles is definitely not working...so what now?
What now?

Shopping Spree!

So I found out about this deal at a store, much like that of Bed, Bath and Beyond, or perhaps IKEA. You know the kind that have EVERYTHING! Well anyway, I forget the name of the store but the deal was that for one day, and one day only, customers could fill up an entire cart of merchandise and spend only one dollar.

ONE DOLLAR!

It was insane! And there was no limit on the amount of carts you had. (I had 3 so had to have my whole family come and help navigate.)

There was polka dot everything from dishes to canisters to pillows (of which I got at least one of everything:). And I found this really super cute "just married" picture frame that hangs on the wall and holds three pictures (The hanger is a layer of silver daisies...so perfect!)

I have to say that my favorite find was a pair of salt shakers in the shape of, you guessed it, COWS! (For any of you who know me well enough...that is what our kitchen is mainly accessorized with. I see any kitchen appliance, dish, ect in the shape of a  cow and I go absolutely ballistic!).

I also found a plethora of blankets and some cushions all mismatched colors for our dining room chairs (to help cover up the fact that our cats use said chairs for their own personal scratching posts).

Three carts full for only three dollars.

It. Was. Amazing.

And then I woke up....

Yep. It was only a dream.

I may never know true happiness again......

Billy Joel

I discovered the other day while at work that Billy Joel songs make me think of ex boyfriends.
Strange? Yes. And it's funny that I haven't made the connection until now. (Perhaps it's because our only source of music is the radio and the mindless songs that they play over and over and over again. Billy Joel may be a constant repeat, but I'll take him over Katy Perry any day.)
It's not that I don't like Billy Joel. He's no Jon Bon Jovi....but really, who is?
It's just that somehow, over the years, his songs make me think of certain people who have come and gone in my life that I really wish I could manage to never think of again.


For example, every time I hear the song Piano Man, I think of the boyfriend I had my senior year of high school.
Donald.
Now he was a rare and "special" breed of guy. He played the piano. In fact, he took lessons from his grandmother and I would often go with him to watch him practice. The annual concert was coming up and it was time for him to choose a piece to play. He chose Piano Man, at my request, because he knew I liked the song.
Now before you go on thinking that it was a sweet gesture, in the long run, it never really mattered. Plus, he had never even heard the song before he had met me, so he knew nothing about the lyrics or what it was about. (Of course this was coming from the same guy who liked Metallica's version of Turn the Page better than Bob Segar's.....Here's your sign.)
Anyway, I'm not going to get into the horrendous details of our relationship. It's over. It's done. And quite frankly, not worth repeating. I broke up with him before his big concert though and I remember him coming up to me telling me that I didn't deserve to watch his performance. I didn't really care but later found the video tape in my locker.
I watched it later that night.
Let's put it this way, it was not "sad and sweet" and he did not "know it complete".
The song has never been the same for me since.

The Longest Time used to be one of my favorite songs. And it was kinda sweet when a different ex boyfriend,  Austin, left me a voicemail singing the ENTIRE song.
However, it wasn't so sweet when he later accused me of being a slut and went on a rampage about how I was a bad influence and how he knew that God was disappointed in him for being involved with me.
Perhaps "God's" voice was the one he was actually "hearing in the hall".
Sadly, the song kinda makes me cringe now. All I can hear in it is the echo of Austin's voice and the way the words he later spoke cut me to the core. 
Damn you Billy Joel. Damn you!
   
My Life is such a true "screw you" classic. But unfortunately, it only reminds me of a time when I applied it to the people in my life that truly mattered. I was so lost and alone and the guy I was so lost and alone with at the time doesn't even deserve to have his name mentioned.
Now, when I hear this song, it only reminds me of how stupid I was for falling for the lies and it no longer remains on my playlist of loud, angry "f*** you" rock anthems.
The rolls  switched from my family to the very person I thought would "save me" from whatever it was I was running from.
It's sad really.
And such a waste.
"Go ahead with your own life. Leave me alone", could not be more appropriately applied than here.

OK. So I don't hate Billy Joel. It's not his fault that I had a bad run of idiots for boyfriends. (Come to think of it, there were only a few decent ones strewn in with the idiots....)
I still love Uptown Girl and We Didn't Start the Fire. And it's not only his music that brings back the memories of "love" gone awry. (Don't even get me started on The Rascall Flatts, Guns and Roses or Jimmy Buffett....another blog for another time perhaps.)
It just goes to show how truly important music is in our lives. There are still some songs I can't really listen to because it's just too painful to remember. But there are also songs, much like the Billy Joel ones, that remind me in a good way how far I've truly come in life and love....and how very blessed and happy I am now.
So now, when I hear these songs on the radio day in and day out, I kinda smile to myself. It was all a lifetime ago. But....
It's still rock and roll to me.

Family Ties

I'm not really sure what I'm going to accomplish in writing this post, however some things have been nagging at me for quite some time and I feel I need to get them out. So here it goes.

Family has always been something that is very important to me. It was only within the last few years that I realized how very important it all is. My immidiate family (aka my brother Pat and my parents) have of course had our ups and downs but all in all, we're strangely close. I think it freaks people out sometimes. My parents were the type that always kept the door open for our friends, which were always coming over and staying the night and hanging out. In fact, I can remember several times, coming home and finding a couple of friends of mine hanging out with my Dad in the living room.

I hear that this is not the norm.

One thing my brother and I didn't have regular access to was grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. In the early years, we saw all of these people 2, maybe 3 times a year. My parents would always load us up in the car and make the 6 hour + drive it took to get us there, only to spend a few days. It was a very rare occasion when they would load themselves up and make the trek our way. The older we got, the less we saw these people. I noticed in the rare incidents that I saw my cousins, that like me, they were growing up too. And I knew absolutely nothing about their lives.

I wanted to.

 I have these silly visions of being the cool, older cousin. Someone that any one of them could come to to talk with or vent to when they have no one else to turn to. I see patterns in the small tid bits of information I get via facebook or myspace, that I had to live and learn from when I was their age. I want to reach out, even SCREAM out and say, don't do it! Or I understand what you're going through. But I feel llike I have no right. They know just as little about me as I do about them.

What gives me the right?

Even when I do try to connect, it almost seems unwelcome. It seems as though in all the years that have gone by, it's too late to make that reconnection.

OK. So that's not completely true. I do have one cousin who I feel I have been able to reconnect to on some level and that's something I hope continues to grow. I treasure the fact that she seems just as willing to be a part of my life as I am to be a part of hers. And that goes for her parents too (my aunt and uncle.) They have all shown the same willingness to get together more.

But others. Not so much. I find myself getting frustrated at such comments as "when are you coming to see us again?" or "the phone works both ways." You're damn right it does. And I've been trying! Where are you? What gives you the right to try and make me feel guilty for not being in touch when I feel I've gone above and beyond in the past couple of years to make you a part of my life and try to be a part of yours?

Pat and I have already lost both sets of grandparents and one set of great grandparents. And the only things I ever knew about  them come from the stories that I hear on occasion. That's it. I really knew nothing about any of them and now it's too late.

I don't want it to be "too late" again. But has too much happened? Has too much time passed to try to make it work? Are we all just a little too stubborn to let go of the bitterness and awkwardness that has formed between us?

I'll admit, I still have quite a bit of angst towards a second cousin of mine who I absolutely adored while I was growing up. She didn't come to our wedding because she couldn't find a pet sitter for her dog....really? I mean I love animals and all but SERIOUSLY? How can you, only a year before, tell my boyfriend to "take care of me because I am one of your most favorite people in the world", and then turn around and not make it to one of the most important days in my life? How can you justify that? When I heard you tell him that, it made me feel so special.

Now they're just words. And they mean nothing.

Not to mention that your father sat there and moped throughout the ENTIRE reception. Every picture I see, he's scowling at the camera. Why did he even bother to come?

And that doesn't even begin to describe my anger with you guys since. It's not even worth mentioning. I have no idea where to go from here. I have no idea if it would even be worth it.

All I know is that when Daddy Bo died, both of you were there for me in ways no one else could be. So there's that.

But is it enough?

All I know is that I'm tired. I'm tired of trying with no result. I don't know what else to do. Is it a lost cause? Do any of you even feel the same way? I thought family was supposed to stick together. Should I just give up? Would you even care?  Growing up, I was so envious of my friends who had all of their family so close by. And even now, they stay in touch. I have one friend who travels regularly to see her grandmother. They're so close.

I never really had that.

I'm not really sure what the next step here is....I'm not really sure what else I can do. And sadly, I'm not sure if in the end, it would even be worth it to continue trying. Not until I can, at least, get a little something back. You're right, "it does work both ways". I can't be the only one trying. I need to see something on your end too.

The ball's in your court.

Now, all I can do is wait.

Being Mary

Andrew and I have "discovered" a new show on the Soap network called Being Erica. It takes place in Toronto, Canada and it's about a girl who undergoes a different type of therapy in which time travel is involved. I know. Sounds a little silly at first but think about it. Wouldn't you go back if you could? Not so much to change anything but to try to learn from it in hopes that you can move on or even change something about yourself.

Andrew asked me the other day, "What would you go back and tell your 20 year old self if you could give her advice?"

I jokingly replied, "Stay away from ass holes and bald guys." (Unfortunately both of these traits may or may not apply to the same person....)

But the truth is, I wouldn't have listened anyway. (I didn't listen to the little voices in my head that only got louder and louder the more I ignored them. It wasn't until they were screaming at me that I realized I needed to make a change.)

So anyway, the show begins with Erica having to make a list of her top 25 regrets. Then Dr. Tom sends her back in time to relive them in hopes of helping her let go.

I've always gone about life in a way that claims, I have no regrets. At least that's what I tell myself and other people when asked. The truth is, that's bull shit. OF COURSE I have regrets! I'm not going to sit here and bore you with a typed out list of my top 25, but I am going to ask you, what would you do/change if you could go back? Would you do/change anything?

What if time travel therapy were possible?

It's funny how we perceive things. Many of us go about life constantly asking ourselves, "what if?" What if I had stayed with that person? What if I had had that child? What if I had called my grandmother more? And so on and so on. We rarely get a second chance. And quite possibly, if we could go back, events might not seem quite the same as how we originally remembered or perceived  them. A person might not appear quite so wonderful and we might be reminded of why we chose the path we did in the first place. But why are we so quick to forget when things start to get tricky again?

It's a constant battle. Life. We grow so much, sometimes without even realizing it. And sometimes we regress, again, without even realizing. This is when we need to get back to the core of things. Go back to the basics. Remember who we are and who we are continuing to strive to be. It's OK to get a little lost. And I think it's normal to sometimes want to go back and re-do an event in our lives. Obviously not through time travel (though that would be pretty damn nifty.) But how can we be happy with our present, if we can't let go of our past?

We all have our regrets and perhaps things we wish could change about ourselves or our lives. The main thing to keep in mind is that no matter what, we have to be true to ourselves. So that's what I'm going to strive to do on a day to day basis.

Because I am Mary, and "being Mary" is who I want to be.

Instant Karma

I am a firm believer in Karma.

I think that what we do on an every day basis, good or bad, reflects on our accomplishments and failures.

However, I also believe in God, or a higher being if you will (whatever you want to call him/her.) And I believe this God has a sense of humor....sometimes a very sick sense of humor.

For instance, I feel like I'm a pretty good person. No. I'm not perfect but I do try to go about life in a manner of "do unto others as they would have done to you." But if you really sit down and think about this statement...I mean really really think, not everyone's perception of what they would do or not do is the same.

For example, when going into a restaurant or a store, I try to always be conscious of people coming in and out and therefore, I often hold the door open and offer them to go on ahead in or out of said building. This is not the case for everyone though. SOME people apparently would love to be run over while trying to leave the restaurant with their hands full and then promptly have someone allow the door to close while you are frantically trying to catch it with your foot, while balancing your food with both hands. Not to mention the fact that some people don't require the use of the words, please, thank you and excuse me.

So having this similar situation presented to me only today, it got me thinking. Did I do something recently that instituted such actions to be made? Am I being punished for something, not even realizing what I have done? Or is it something that goes way back....some random mistake that I'm still serving time for? (If you want to get really deep with this thought, I am suddenly reminded of one of my favorite Indigo Girl songs, Galileo, and the lyric that states "And you had to bring up reincarnation over a couple of beers the other night. And now I'm serving time for mistakes made by another in another lifetime." But the verdict is still not out on whether or not I believe in reincarnation. So that is perhaps another discussion for another time.)

Or is God just up there,looking down at me, having himself/herself a good laugh as I turn around only to walk, smack dab into a tree and one of its branches pokes me in the eye? Hey. It's the challenges in life that make us stronger, right?

But seriously. I do feel that if you perform a bad act, such as killing some one or robbing a bank, you do eventually get what's coming to you. But what if you don't do any of these things?Or what if you do, but you don't get caught?  It brings up that ever so popular question of "why do bad things happen to good people?" It's amazing how we can so quickly judge someone for doing something bad and then when something bad happens to them, it's not a surprise because we already have the answer as to why this bad thing, whatever it is, happened to them. When something bad happens to someone good, we are only left with the question of why?

The truth is, we really don't know why anything good or bad happens to any of us. It's all based on faith and what we believe or don't believe. But no matter how you look at it, you're looking at it blindly because no one truly knows ANY of this.

But our beliefs and our faith are what get most of us through life just a little less painfully. And this is why I go about life in a manner that makes me strive to be just a little bit better. A little more kind. A little more strong when someone I love is in pain. A little more positive when someone else can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I'm grateful to say that I have so many people in my life who are there to do the same for me.

So there you have it folks.You can call it whatever you see fit. I think I'm with the Beatles though because no matter what you do, good or bad, "instant karma is going to get you", whether you believe in it or not. We might not understand it and we might often find ourselves asking each other "why?" But I guess that's just the mystery of life....For whatever reason, I guess we just aren't supposed to know all of the answers. I think that's why most of us hold on to something opposed to nothing. 

Skinny Jeans

Conversation between Andrew and I this past Thursday before venturing out:

Me: "Which shoes look better with these jeans?" I am adorning an Ug boot (or rather, a much cheaper, non-leather version of an Ug boot that ensures the safety of our furry friends) on one foot  and on my other foot is a cute Birkenstock-type shoe (also non-leather).

Andrew looks at both feet for a second, closely observing each foot and taking in the entire outfit so as to make the right decision. (Yeah right. It took him all of 2 seconds but we were in a hurry and this was why I was asking his opinion anyway).

Andrew: "To be honest, I like the regular shoes with those jeans better than the boots."

Awesome. I love my new boots and yet have not a thing to wear with them. I secretly want to choose said boots instead of my boring "regular" shoes, but then I'll make him wonder why I asked his opinion in the first place. But I want to look cute because we never go out on a week night and I want to step it up a notch. But now I'm self conscious about the boots.

Me: Looking at the boots, "Perhaps some other time ladies."

So we went out and I didn't think anymore of it.

Then Saturday rolled along. We were going to go check out a new shopping center in town and I was getting ready. Same jeans, different shirt, so I tried both styles again in front of Andrew so as he could make the decision again. However, before giving him the chance to say anything, I run off to the bathroom to check my reflection and compare each style with my outfit. Standing on the toilet, so as to get the full effect, I sadly come to the conclusion that the shoes still look better than the boots. I come back to the couch where Andrew is still sitting, hopping on one foot as I pull the Ug off of my foot.

Me: "I think I just need to invest in a pair of skinny jeans."

Andrew: Looking a little annoyed because I always have some snide comment to add about my weight.  "Boosk. You're a size 1! Those are skinny jeans!!!!"

Did I mention how much I love this man? I almost didn't have the heart to explain to him the difference between the styles. But I'm stubborn.

"No. I mean skinny jeans are the ones that are really tight and tapered at the bottom so that you can tuck them into boots easier and they don't look all puffy."

He looked a little confused for a second but then came back to life with the comment: "I like boot-cut the best." Who knew that he did actually know the difference? Guess that's what I get for not giving him credit. But now that I think about it, I guess he was right on both counts.

Technically, a size 1 should be considered "skinny jeans". Perhaps, they should think of something else to call the other ones since they indeed, come in all sizes.