Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The fear of all fears when it comes to trying to be a successful writer. It has happened folks. For the past 3 days I haven't been able to think of anything to write about! So sad so sad.
And it seems like every time I do think of something,I'm driving or have no access to a computer or a pen and paper.I think to myself, "It's OK. I won't forget it." And alas, I get home and it's forgotten. What to do what to do.
Maybe I should get a tape recorder. Seems like I had one lying around here some where. What ever happened to that thing? I don't have any tapes for it anyway...or batteries...plus there's the whole possibility that I sold it...but I don't remember.
I do have a notepad in my purse, but I don't feel comfortable writing anything down when I'm in the process of driving. Believe me, I have tried this before, and it wasn't pretty. I either go back and try to look at what I wrote down and can't even decipher it, or I almost end up driving off the side of the road.
Hopefully this is just temporary. Though I'm sure as soon as I get in the car to drive to work, I will think of something. Woe is me.
Better luck next time.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Dreams
I keep having this reoccurring dream that I'm drowning. I'm usually walking along the beach and suddenly the tide starts getting closer and closer to me. No matter how far I stray, even if it's to the nearest beach house, the water always finds me and sucks me away.
On several occasions in these dreams, I will come very close to drowning, gasping for air each time a wave plummets me. I always seem to find my footing and suddenly I'm back on the shore again. The last time I had this dream...my head never broke the surface again. I remember reaching for Andrew and our eyes locking; fingers almost touching, then realizing that he wasn't going to be able to save me and mouthing the words "I love you".
Sad. Right?
But then I started thinking. What could this symbolize? I have always kind of been a "keep it to myself" sort of person. There are certain things I just don't talk about and if I do, I am only able to talk about them for a certain amount of time before I close up completely and change the subject. Maybe the "drowning" is a symbol for this avoidance.
Maybe Andrew's reaching out for my hand and me almost taking it, but pulling back, is a symbol of me not opening up enough to him or anyone else that I love. I don't know why I do this. I don't think it's fear. I've never been afraid to do anything. I didn't get where I am today by being afraid.
But maybe it's because I have taken so many chances in my past and this is what makes me hesitant. What if I take the chance in opening up completely and then only get hurt again? Not necessarily by him or anyone else, but by myself. What if I let out what I'm feeling and say it out loud, only to feel worse in the end because it's out in the open and therefore becomes more than my burden to bare?
I can handle hurting on my own, but I've been the cause, or the link to the cause of someone else hurting way too many times. I don't want to do that again. But I don't want to drown either.
On several occasions in these dreams, I will come very close to drowning, gasping for air each time a wave plummets me. I always seem to find my footing and suddenly I'm back on the shore again. The last time I had this dream...my head never broke the surface again. I remember reaching for Andrew and our eyes locking; fingers almost touching, then realizing that he wasn't going to be able to save me and mouthing the words "I love you".
Sad. Right?
But then I started thinking. What could this symbolize? I have always kind of been a "keep it to myself" sort of person. There are certain things I just don't talk about and if I do, I am only able to talk about them for a certain amount of time before I close up completely and change the subject. Maybe the "drowning" is a symbol for this avoidance.
Maybe Andrew's reaching out for my hand and me almost taking it, but pulling back, is a symbol of me not opening up enough to him or anyone else that I love. I don't know why I do this. I don't think it's fear. I've never been afraid to do anything. I didn't get where I am today by being afraid.
But maybe it's because I have taken so many chances in my past and this is what makes me hesitant. What if I take the chance in opening up completely and then only get hurt again? Not necessarily by him or anyone else, but by myself. What if I let out what I'm feeling and say it out loud, only to feel worse in the end because it's out in the open and therefore becomes more than my burden to bare?
I can handle hurting on my own, but I've been the cause, or the link to the cause of someone else hurting way too many times. I don't want to do that again. But I don't want to drown either.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Beware: Evil Family Members Unite
So, I was downloading pictures from my phone to my email address the other day because I need to get a new phone....(because Leira decided to try to eat my current one...) and I came across this picture:
Pure evidence that my brother Pat and sister-in-law Jenn are E.V.I.L.
For those of you who have not had to suffer through the torment that is the movie "The Strangers", don't waste your time. Two words: Scary Ass Shit! (OK, that's 3 words, but I'm only trying to get my point across).
During the whole movie, I was curled up in the tiniest ball possible, wedged against the arm rest and Andrew's shoulder. I was focusing more on the random comments flowing throughout the theater (Among my favorites being: "That's f***ed up" and "Oh she'll have sex with him, but she won't marry him"...this comment actually coming from a guy. Yea for you buddy!) than the actual movie itself.
So anyway. After the movie ended, we went to Andrew's and my apartment. Before entering the door completely, I made him and Pat search inside all of the closets, under the bed, behind the washer and dryer, ect, for person(s) hiding and waiting to come out and kill me. After, I got the all clear, Pat and Jenn left, but not without laughing at me. AND. Pat just thought it was hilarious to wait about 5 minutes and then sneak back up the stairs and bang extremely loudly on the door. So not funny!!
After being terrified and getting absolutely no sleep that night, I opted to skip Sunday dinner at Andrew's parents to stay at home and get some rest. I swear to you, not 10 minutes after he had left and was well on his way, I received this on my cell phone. (I share it with you again for dramatic emphasis).
Yes. That's Pat with a bag on his head.
You are both bastards and will one day suffer when you least expect it.
Pure evidence that my brother Pat and sister-in-law Jenn are E.V.I.L.
For those of you who have not had to suffer through the torment that is the movie "The Strangers", don't waste your time. Two words: Scary Ass Shit! (OK, that's 3 words, but I'm only trying to get my point across).
During the whole movie, I was curled up in the tiniest ball possible, wedged against the arm rest and Andrew's shoulder. I was focusing more on the random comments flowing throughout the theater (Among my favorites being: "That's f***ed up" and "Oh she'll have sex with him, but she won't marry him"...this comment actually coming from a guy. Yea for you buddy!) than the actual movie itself.
So anyway. After the movie ended, we went to Andrew's and my apartment. Before entering the door completely, I made him and Pat search inside all of the closets, under the bed, behind the washer and dryer, ect, for person(s) hiding and waiting to come out and kill me. After, I got the all clear, Pat and Jenn left, but not without laughing at me. AND. Pat just thought it was hilarious to wait about 5 minutes and then sneak back up the stairs and bang extremely loudly on the door. So not funny!!
After being terrified and getting absolutely no sleep that night, I opted to skip Sunday dinner at Andrew's parents to stay at home and get some rest. I swear to you, not 10 minutes after he had left and was well on his way, I received this on my cell phone. (I share it with you again for dramatic emphasis).
Yes. That's Pat with a bag on his head.
You are both bastards and will one day suffer when you least expect it.
Radio
I must say that since my c.d. player in my car broke a little over 1 month ago, I have been indeed suffering through the horrible music the radio has to offer. I find myself hitting the scan and seek buttons more often than stopping to listen to a randomly good song that happens to be playing. And let me just ask, why the hell are the same damn songs played over and over again? Is there no originality in this business? If I hear Guns and Roses' "Sweet Child o' Mine" or Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" one. more. time. I am likely to scream and pull my hair out, therefore causing a wreak and likely having to convince the police that, no, I am not on drugs.
And why is it that every time I scan and it lands on 93.9, another Madonna song is playing? How many songs could she have possibly written? I mean, don't get me wrong. I like Madonna as much as the next guy, but designating a whole radio station to her seems a little overboard if you ask me.
One other thing, Delilah is a bitch. (Sorry for the harshness). She is so mean to the callers that call in to vent and reveal their life's latest sob story and she just sits there and judges them, making comments that are far from helpful. And what's with the music she chooses? Someone could be calling about just loosing his wife in a car crash and she would play "Life is a Highway". That's just wrong.
I will say that I do like 88.1. They seem to focus a lot on local music and newer artists out there trying to get their names out. Unfortunately, however, this station doesn't seem to want anyone to know who these people actually are. I have been late to work on many occasion because I'm stuck, sitting out in my car trying to figure out who sang the song that just played. And each time, I have yet to find out. One would think I would learn that this information is apparently not meant for me to have. And yet, my stubbornness prevails.
So, here is a list of music I would play if I had a radio station:
Over the Rhine
Dar Williams
Norah Jones
Pat Benatar (though some may say shes overly played as well, but I cannot deny my love for her)
Aimee Mann
Indigo Girls
David Wilcox
Ari Hest
Pat Short (a little plug for my brother...he's awesome! www.myspace.com/patshort))
Bob Dylan (Why isn't he played more? Hello! Best. Lyricist.EVER!)
Rusted Root
Ani Difranco
My Morning Jacket
Fleet Foxes
The Arcade Fire
The Be Good Tanyas
Beck
The Bangles
Louis Armstrong (Who doesn't adore him? And I do a great impression of his version of "Hello Dolly", so singing with him in the car would be oober fun!)
Debbie Gibson (Who Loves ya Baby? That's right, I do)
Belle and Sebastian
Camera Obscura
Nickle Creek
Prince
Just to name a few....
Here is a list of artists I would NOT include:
Nickelback (If I hear "Look at this Photograph" one more time...I swear I will kill myself)
James Blunt (though I do like that one song...but that's the only one they play and if you think about the lyrics, it's creepy)
Rascal Flatts
Ozzie Osbourne (for personal reasons and also because he chewed off a pigeon's head. That's cruel people. C.R.U.E.L)
Fall Out Boy
Destiny's Child
Eminim
Furgie
Ashely Simpson
Jessica Simpson
Britney Spears (Though I'll give her credit, she doesn't look like a drunk whore anymore. Yea for her!)
Guns and Roses (Because they have played them into the ground and almost ruined them for me)
Pink
Red Hot Chili Peppers
And anything else that makes me want to vomit.....
Take it as you will, but the radio sucks.
And why is it that every time I scan and it lands on 93.9, another Madonna song is playing? How many songs could she have possibly written? I mean, don't get me wrong. I like Madonna as much as the next guy, but designating a whole radio station to her seems a little overboard if you ask me.
One other thing, Delilah is a bitch. (Sorry for the harshness). She is so mean to the callers that call in to vent and reveal their life's latest sob story and she just sits there and judges them, making comments that are far from helpful. And what's with the music she chooses? Someone could be calling about just loosing his wife in a car crash and she would play "Life is a Highway". That's just wrong.
I will say that I do like 88.1. They seem to focus a lot on local music and newer artists out there trying to get their names out. Unfortunately, however, this station doesn't seem to want anyone to know who these people actually are. I have been late to work on many occasion because I'm stuck, sitting out in my car trying to figure out who sang the song that just played. And each time, I have yet to find out. One would think I would learn that this information is apparently not meant for me to have. And yet, my stubbornness prevails.
So, here is a list of music I would play if I had a radio station:
Over the Rhine
Dar Williams
Norah Jones
Pat Benatar (though some may say shes overly played as well, but I cannot deny my love for her)
Aimee Mann
Indigo Girls
David Wilcox
Ari Hest
Pat Short (a little plug for my brother...he's awesome! www.myspace.com/patshort))
Bob Dylan (Why isn't he played more? Hello! Best. Lyricist.EVER!)
Rusted Root
Ani Difranco
My Morning Jacket
Fleet Foxes
The Arcade Fire
The Be Good Tanyas
Beck
The Bangles
Louis Armstrong (Who doesn't adore him? And I do a great impression of his version of "Hello Dolly", so singing with him in the car would be oober fun!)
Debbie Gibson (Who Loves ya Baby? That's right, I do)
Belle and Sebastian
Camera Obscura
Nickle Creek
Prince
Just to name a few....
Here is a list of artists I would NOT include:
Nickelback (If I hear "Look at this Photograph" one more time...I swear I will kill myself)
James Blunt (though I do like that one song...but that's the only one they play and if you think about the lyrics, it's creepy)
Rascal Flatts
Ozzie Osbourne (for personal reasons and also because he chewed off a pigeon's head. That's cruel people. C.R.U.E.L)
Fall Out Boy
Destiny's Child
Eminim
Furgie
Ashely Simpson
Jessica Simpson
Britney Spears (Though I'll give her credit, she doesn't look like a drunk whore anymore. Yea for her!)
Guns and Roses (Because they have played them into the ground and almost ruined them for me)
Pink
Red Hot Chili Peppers
And anything else that makes me want to vomit.....
Take it as you will, but the radio sucks.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
New Snowglobe Case!
Yea! It's finally here! I have been waiting for this moment to arrive for what seems like an eternity. OK. Perhaps that sounds a bit dramatic, but let me start at the beginning.
I started collecting snow globes when I was around 11 or 12. They're the really, pretty Disney ones that are extremely well made and look just like the characters from the movies. (I know. Geek alert! Right?) Oh well. I will flaunt my geekiness with pride gosh darn it! (Who says gosh darn it? I do! That's right...) But anyway, these snow globes have traveled along with me to many an abode, but for the past 5 years, I have had no where to store them. So alas, they have been sitting in their individual boxes, collecting dust and playing their pretty music for no one. So sad. So sad.
So about a year ago, my dad mentioned to his friend J.R. that I had been wanting a special cabinet to put my special snow globes in for display. His friend J.R. is the sweetest man you could ever meet (aside from my own daddy:), though he does look a bit like Yosemite Sam and carries a gun in his boot.
He was more than happy to accept the challenge so the project began.
Each time I went to see my parents in Asheville, I got to see the progress that was being made. Suddenly, the cabinet was starting to look like a real cabinet with glass doors and everything. (So exciting!) J.R's wife Sheila even made the handles out to look like miniature snow globes with The Little Mermaid and Cinderella characters painted on them (yes...I'm still 5 years old, but I love it!:)
I kept thinking it was finished each time I laid eyes upon it, but dad kept finding more things to do to it. For example, it needed to be sanded, stained, yada yada yada. Good God it was taking F.O.R.E.V.E.R. (Not really...but I'm not the most patient person in the world...ask Andrew. )
The other day, I got an email. It was from an email address I had never seen before but I clicked on it anyway, hoping that it wasn't spam. No. It wasn't It was my father. (Who knew he could use email?...Just kidding daddy...you know I only tease because I love.) This magical email enclosed the words I had been waiting to hear (see?). "We are bringing up your cabinet this weekend". A choir sang, bells rang and angels got their wings.("Way to go Clarence!") The day had finally come.
And it's so preeeeety! It sits in our dining room and welcomes us home every day from work. Andrew loves to surprise me with winding up a different one every day so we can hear it's sweet Disney music. They are all displayed once again, finally breaking free from their styrofoam cages and singing their beautiful music. My own "Enchanted" in the form of a cabinet specifically designed for snow globes. Life could not be any sweeter.
I started collecting snow globes when I was around 11 or 12. They're the really, pretty Disney ones that are extremely well made and look just like the characters from the movies. (I know. Geek alert! Right?) Oh well. I will flaunt my geekiness with pride gosh darn it! (Who says gosh darn it? I do! That's right...) But anyway, these snow globes have traveled along with me to many an abode, but for the past 5 years, I have had no where to store them. So alas, they have been sitting in their individual boxes, collecting dust and playing their pretty music for no one. So sad. So sad.
So about a year ago, my dad mentioned to his friend J.R. that I had been wanting a special cabinet to put my special snow globes in for display. His friend J.R. is the sweetest man you could ever meet (aside from my own daddy:), though he does look a bit like Yosemite Sam and carries a gun in his boot.
He was more than happy to accept the challenge so the project began.
Each time I went to see my parents in Asheville, I got to see the progress that was being made. Suddenly, the cabinet was starting to look like a real cabinet with glass doors and everything. (So exciting!) J.R's wife Sheila even made the handles out to look like miniature snow globes with The Little Mermaid and Cinderella characters painted on them (yes...I'm still 5 years old, but I love it!:)
I kept thinking it was finished each time I laid eyes upon it, but dad kept finding more things to do to it. For example, it needed to be sanded, stained, yada yada yada. Good God it was taking F.O.R.E.V.E.R. (Not really...but I'm not the most patient person in the world...ask Andrew. )
The other day, I got an email. It was from an email address I had never seen before but I clicked on it anyway, hoping that it wasn't spam. No. It wasn't It was my father. (Who knew he could use email?...Just kidding daddy...you know I only tease because I love.) This magical email enclosed the words I had been waiting to hear (see?). "We are bringing up your cabinet this weekend". A choir sang, bells rang and angels got their wings.("Way to go Clarence!") The day had finally come.
And it's so preeeeety! It sits in our dining room and welcomes us home every day from work. Andrew loves to surprise me with winding up a different one every day so we can hear it's sweet Disney music. They are all displayed once again, finally breaking free from their styrofoam cages and singing their beautiful music. My own "Enchanted" in the form of a cabinet specifically designed for snow globes. Life could not be any sweeter.
Touchy Subject
I have never been able to write about this subject, let alone even talk about it. Something within me closes up and I suddenly am unable to let my mind and heart open up to the level it takes to be able to express exactly how it makes me feel. But no matter how hard I try to close it up, it's still there, lingering around other topics that I have yet been able to touch upon. So this is my attempt (sad as it may be) to reach out and express how I feel.
I have never had the best self-esteem. My senior year of high school, I lost 10 pounds because the guy I was dating at the time implied that I was chubby and I let myself believe that he was right.Looking back at old pictures, I could have held on to those 10 pounds and looked fine. But it goes back even further than that. I can remember being somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10 and being embarrassed because I thought my friends were prettier and skinnier than me. 8 years old for crying out loud!!! I was a kid! It was ridiculous. I didn't want my mom to take pictures of me and my friends side by side because I was terrified how I would look by comparison.
We live in a world that portrays a "perfect" body by showing pictures of teeny, tiny beautiful models on the fronts of magazines. Their hair and skin are flawless and their bodies have no naturalness to them. It's amazing how this industry is able to get away with having an article about Mary Kate Olsen being anorexic on one page and a list of ways to lose that last 10 pounds on the the next. It's infuriating! How are young teenagers supposed to learn that this is not natural and we are all built differently, which makes us all individually beautiful in our own way? Perhaps it's because these pictures are of adults and they are idolized by these very teenagers and young women of today. I can admit that I'm guilty of this as well.
Anorexia is not something that you can just "get over". Even when you start eating again, the memories are still there. The feelings are still there. And it's so hard not to go back to old habits. I used to go days without eating a whole meal. I have never been a fan of vomiting, so bulimia was always out of the question, so I used the other route....use your imagination. I'm not giving any further info on this topic. I would buy a box of crackers and a jar of peanut butter, eat a few and then throw the rest away. (I know right,? This is coming from me, the girl who recycles everything!)I couldn't eat in public because I was embarrassed to be seen carrying out this every day, very normal ritual. Eating became my worst enemy.
I can remember standing in front of a mirror and ridiculing every imperfect feature of my body. I would burn more calories than I took in through rigorous exercises and only drink water because even soft drinks and Gatorade have calories. I would go to bed early, telling my parents I didn't feel well so that I wouldn't be forced to eat a healthy meal or smell the food that by this time only made me nauseous.
It's a disease. And though I feel like, at this point, I have conquered much of it, I am not fully cured. I argue with myself about how I don't eat healthy enough or exercise as much as I should. We all do that right? But do we do it for the right reasons? I know I don't. I just want to be happy with the way I look in a pair of pants or a bathing suit...the health factor is further down on the list of my concerns. I couldn't tell you where this spawns from and I don't even know if that really matters. All I know, is that it's something I have battled for the majority of my life and I'm getting tired of fighting back.
I have never had the best self-esteem. My senior year of high school, I lost 10 pounds because the guy I was dating at the time implied that I was chubby and I let myself believe that he was right.Looking back at old pictures, I could have held on to those 10 pounds and looked fine. But it goes back even further than that. I can remember being somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10 and being embarrassed because I thought my friends were prettier and skinnier than me. 8 years old for crying out loud!!! I was a kid! It was ridiculous. I didn't want my mom to take pictures of me and my friends side by side because I was terrified how I would look by comparison.
We live in a world that portrays a "perfect" body by showing pictures of teeny, tiny beautiful models on the fronts of magazines. Their hair and skin are flawless and their bodies have no naturalness to them. It's amazing how this industry is able to get away with having an article about Mary Kate Olsen being anorexic on one page and a list of ways to lose that last 10 pounds on the the next. It's infuriating! How are young teenagers supposed to learn that this is not natural and we are all built differently, which makes us all individually beautiful in our own way? Perhaps it's because these pictures are of adults and they are idolized by these very teenagers and young women of today. I can admit that I'm guilty of this as well.
Anorexia is not something that you can just "get over". Even when you start eating again, the memories are still there. The feelings are still there. And it's so hard not to go back to old habits. I used to go days without eating a whole meal. I have never been a fan of vomiting, so bulimia was always out of the question, so I used the other route....use your imagination. I'm not giving any further info on this topic. I would buy a box of crackers and a jar of peanut butter, eat a few and then throw the rest away. (I know right,? This is coming from me, the girl who recycles everything!)I couldn't eat in public because I was embarrassed to be seen carrying out this every day, very normal ritual. Eating became my worst enemy.
I can remember standing in front of a mirror and ridiculing every imperfect feature of my body. I would burn more calories than I took in through rigorous exercises and only drink water because even soft drinks and Gatorade have calories. I would go to bed early, telling my parents I didn't feel well so that I wouldn't be forced to eat a healthy meal or smell the food that by this time only made me nauseous.
It's a disease. And though I feel like, at this point, I have conquered much of it, I am not fully cured. I argue with myself about how I don't eat healthy enough or exercise as much as I should. We all do that right? But do we do it for the right reasons? I know I don't. I just want to be happy with the way I look in a pair of pants or a bathing suit...the health factor is further down on the list of my concerns. I couldn't tell you where this spawns from and I don't even know if that really matters. All I know, is that it's something I have battled for the majority of my life and I'm getting tired of fighting back.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Responsibility
It seems we all have a tendency to not take responsibility for our own actions. (Myself very much included.) It's so much easier to point the finger and blame someone else than it is to take action and realize that it is none other than ourselves that are to blame.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." So why are we constantly saying things like "You make me feel this way!" when in all reality, we make ourselves feel "this way".
For example, I feel guilty for things in my life that have happened; things that I have said or done, but that I can not change. I can look past it and try to forget about it...but everything lingers. Is this my fault? Short answer. Yes. It is. I'm not being cruel to myself in saying so. I'm only admitting to the fact that I haven't faced these issues like I should have. No. I can't change the past, nor would I want to. I wouldn't be who I am today without living through what I have.
What I wish I could change is the hurt than has come along with it...not only to myself, but mainly to those who were involved. But I can't do that either. So where does that leave me?
Do I revisit this past in hopes that I can find some sort of conclusion? Or do I accept it for what it is and move on? We only live once. And I am a firm believer in living in the present. However, my brain and heart fail me in constantly going back to past issues. It's not easy, nor do I think it's really possible, to let it all go. Perhaps the point to be made is that it should be remembered, for whatever reason, but not re-lived. Perhaps that's what I need to work on. What we all need to work on. Remembering and accepting because it can't be changed, but not remembering so much that it causes the same pain as it did once before. Or is this feat even possible?
I find it is so much easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive myself. Perhaps that is what I am truly afraid of. I don't want to keep offering up excuses like "I'm only human" and "we all make mistakes", "No one's perfect." And yet, I am more inclined to accept these excuses from everyone else except for myself. Why is that? Because each of these "excuses" are true. I guess it's just too common for them to be used too often and I don't want to fall into that trap.
And another thing, why is it so much easier to say "I'm sorry" to someone else than it is to say "I'm sorry" to ourselves? In the end, ourselves are who we are responsible for. So, maybe we should start focusing on taking care of ourselves, before taking care of someone else.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." So why are we constantly saying things like "You make me feel this way!" when in all reality, we make ourselves feel "this way".
For example, I feel guilty for things in my life that have happened; things that I have said or done, but that I can not change. I can look past it and try to forget about it...but everything lingers. Is this my fault? Short answer. Yes. It is. I'm not being cruel to myself in saying so. I'm only admitting to the fact that I haven't faced these issues like I should have. No. I can't change the past, nor would I want to. I wouldn't be who I am today without living through what I have.
What I wish I could change is the hurt than has come along with it...not only to myself, but mainly to those who were involved. But I can't do that either. So where does that leave me?
Do I revisit this past in hopes that I can find some sort of conclusion? Or do I accept it for what it is and move on? We only live once. And I am a firm believer in living in the present. However, my brain and heart fail me in constantly going back to past issues. It's not easy, nor do I think it's really possible, to let it all go. Perhaps the point to be made is that it should be remembered, for whatever reason, but not re-lived. Perhaps that's what I need to work on. What we all need to work on. Remembering and accepting because it can't be changed, but not remembering so much that it causes the same pain as it did once before. Or is this feat even possible?
I find it is so much easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive myself. Perhaps that is what I am truly afraid of. I don't want to keep offering up excuses like "I'm only human" and "we all make mistakes", "No one's perfect." And yet, I am more inclined to accept these excuses from everyone else except for myself. Why is that? Because each of these "excuses" are true. I guess it's just too common for them to be used too often and I don't want to fall into that trap.
And another thing, why is it so much easier to say "I'm sorry" to someone else than it is to say "I'm sorry" to ourselves? In the end, ourselves are who we are responsible for. So, maybe we should start focusing on taking care of ourselves, before taking care of someone else.
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