I have never been able to write about this subject, let alone even talk about it. Something within me closes up and I suddenly am unable to let my mind and heart open up to the level it takes to be able to express exactly how it makes me feel. But no matter how hard I try to close it up, it's still there, lingering around other topics that I have yet been able to touch upon. So this is my attempt (sad as it may be) to reach out and express how I feel.
I have never had the best self-esteem. My senior year of high school, I lost 10 pounds because the guy I was dating at the time implied that I was chubby and I let myself believe that he was right.Looking back at old pictures, I could have held on to those 10 pounds and looked fine. But it goes back even further than that. I can remember being somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10 and being embarrassed because I thought my friends were prettier and skinnier than me. 8 years old for crying out loud!!! I was a kid! It was ridiculous. I didn't want my mom to take pictures of me and my friends side by side because I was terrified how I would look by comparison.
We live in a world that portrays a "perfect" body by showing pictures of teeny, tiny beautiful models on the fronts of magazines. Their hair and skin are flawless and their bodies have no naturalness to them. It's amazing how this industry is able to get away with having an article about Mary Kate Olsen being anorexic on one page and a list of ways to lose that last 10 pounds on the the next. It's infuriating! How are young teenagers supposed to learn that this is not natural and we are all built differently, which makes us all individually beautiful in our own way? Perhaps it's because these pictures are of adults and they are idolized by these very teenagers and young women of today. I can admit that I'm guilty of this as well.
Anorexia is not something that you can just "get over". Even when you start eating again, the memories are still there. The feelings are still there. And it's so hard not to go back to old habits. I used to go days without eating a whole meal. I have never been a fan of vomiting, so bulimia was always out of the question, so I used the other route....use your imagination. I'm not giving any further info on this topic. I would buy a box of crackers and a jar of peanut butter, eat a few and then throw the rest away. (I know right,? This is coming from me, the girl who recycles everything!)I couldn't eat in public because I was embarrassed to be seen carrying out this every day, very normal ritual. Eating became my worst enemy.
I can remember standing in front of a mirror and ridiculing every imperfect feature of my body. I would burn more calories than I took in through rigorous exercises and only drink water because even soft drinks and Gatorade have calories. I would go to bed early, telling my parents I didn't feel well so that I wouldn't be forced to eat a healthy meal or smell the food that by this time only made me nauseous.
It's a disease. And though I feel like, at this point, I have conquered much of it, I am not fully cured. I argue with myself about how I don't eat healthy enough or exercise as much as I should. We all do that right? But do we do it for the right reasons? I know I don't. I just want to be happy with the way I look in a pair of pants or a bathing suit...the health factor is further down on the list of my concerns. I couldn't tell you where this spawns from and I don't even know if that really matters. All I know, is that it's something I have battled for the majority of my life and I'm getting tired of fighting back.
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