I keep having this reoccurring dream that I'm drowning. I'm usually walking along the beach and suddenly the tide starts getting closer and closer to me. No matter how far I stray, even if it's to the nearest beach house, the water always finds me and sucks me away.
On several occasions in these dreams, I will come very close to drowning, gasping for air each time a wave plummets me. I always seem to find my footing and suddenly I'm back on the shore again. The last time I had this dream...my head never broke the surface again. I remember reaching for Andrew and our eyes locking; fingers almost touching, then realizing that he wasn't going to be able to save me and mouthing the words "I love you".
Sad. Right?
But then I started thinking. What could this symbolize? I have always kind of been a "keep it to myself" sort of person. There are certain things I just don't talk about and if I do, I am only able to talk about them for a certain amount of time before I close up completely and change the subject. Maybe the "drowning" is a symbol for this avoidance.
Maybe Andrew's reaching out for my hand and me almost taking it, but pulling back, is a symbol of me not opening up enough to him or anyone else that I love. I don't know why I do this. I don't think it's fear. I've never been afraid to do anything. I didn't get where I am today by being afraid.
But maybe it's because I have taken so many chances in my past and this is what makes me hesitant. What if I take the chance in opening up completely and then only get hurt again? Not necessarily by him or anyone else, but by myself. What if I let out what I'm feeling and say it out loud, only to feel worse in the end because it's out in the open and therefore becomes more than my burden to bare?
I can handle hurting on my own, but I've been the cause, or the link to the cause of someone else hurting way too many times. I don't want to do that again. But I don't want to drown either.
Ah, i see you're at that point now. It's a tough bridge to cross, but it is well worth it in the end. Basically, what it comes down to, is that, if you open up and let it all in, where do you go from there? On the other side, if you keep it inside, will it eat away at you? The answer is not simple, but, if you think about it, it's a matter of trust. If you trust everyone around you enough to keep you afloat if the burden gets difficult, then everything will turn out OK. My take on it is that if you hurt, don't keep it locked up, you have to talk about it to someone. And you have plenty of people to help you out if that is the case. Trust me, you're talking to someone that's been there.
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