Confidence

Sometimes I lack it and it seems this week, that is the case. I guess we all go through those times when we aren't completely confident we are doing the right thing the right way or whatever. My job requires a lot of self-confidence to be able to do the things I'm expected to do on a day to day basis, and I'm good at these things. And I know it. But some days, I go to draw blood from a jugular or put an I.V. catheter in and I freeze. I literally sit there and think to myself, "you can't do this". Why? I've put in hundreds of catheters and I've had to do tasks that were much more challenging in my my job and succeeded in doing so. Why do I make myself doubt?
I also am constantly hearing the voices in my head (not in a crazy-psychopath sorta way) telling me that everyone else feels the same way; that they don't think I am capable of doing it either. I imagine that things are being said behind my back like "how does she still have a job?" or "what the hell is she doing?". I have no proof of any of these things being said and there is a 95-99% chance that they haven't been. But I have no way of knowing and that drives me absolutely batty! I'm the type of person who would rather have someone tell me to my face that I have done something I shouldn't have rather than that person(s) say something behind my back. Believe me, I am no fan of criticism, but I am a fan of honesty. Without that, how can we trust each other to get the job done efficiently and in the best interest of everyone involved? And I guess that's my problem sometimes. The fact that I don't always trust myself, and because I'm doubting, it's so easy to assume that everyone else is doubting too, regardless if this is the case or not.
I consider myself a positive person. However, I will admit if there is a lot of negativity floating around me (ok, ok...even if there is just a little bit) it clings to me. Suddenly, I can feel it swimming in my veins and then it has nowhere else to go. I try to keep a smile on my face and offer a positive alternative to every negative feeling a person is portraying throughout the day. And let me tell you. It's exhausting....and so easy to fail and give into. It's something I struggle with every day. Part of me wishes that I just didn't care at all, but I'm not the type of person that can just forget or push aside. A friend of mine once told me "It's hard to be such a sensitive soul when we live in such a cruel world." I can't even begin to tell you how right she is.
All this being said. I guess it's just as negative for me to have doubts about myself. So maybe it's me that is spawning off some of that negative energy. Maybe it's me that is causing myself to , at times, feel like I can't breathe and that I just need to get out of my head for 2 seconds to revamp. Maybe I just need to keep pushing and keep trying and keep being as positive as I can. No one is perfect; so why am I always striving to be what we as humans aren't supposed to be? Why can't I just accept that there are some feats in this world, I will never be able to accomplish? Because in my head, that's accepting defeat. And no one wants to be the loser. I guess that's my biggest fear of what I could become in life. But whose isn't? Perhaps I'm not as alone as I thought I was....